Winding down and summing up

by tamarjacobson

Quote of the day:

I’m never going to accomplish anything; that’s perfectly clear to me. I’m never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don’t do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don’t even do that any more. Dorothy Parker from Granny’s site. Thanks, Frank.

Putting the pieces together:

082406_1218

There is a pile of books waiting for me on my desk. All as early childhood oriented as can be. Next to it is a pile of memos and handouts that instruct me about this or that policy. All as university oriented as can be.

Rain is drip, drip-dripping out the window and cardinals are pip, pip-pipping. Summer is winding down and with it my new work life is waking up once again. I can see it and feel it, beckoning to me around the corner. Just three more days and on the road I’ll be.

It has been a different sort of summer for me. Starting out with a trip to visit my father’s fathers, it became introspective and reflective right off the bat. With so much alone time on my hands I thought about my fears, how I am different, my dreams, more about how I came to be me, and, even, the meaning of life.

I made new friends. And even as I lost a dearest one, I was fortunate enough to be completely and utterly refueled by old friends.

As the days meandered by these past three months, I must say that I have found some peace. My old world did not … in oh so many ways. But I think I did.

Knowing that a family member, who has deep significance in my life, is not doing well, and as I reflected on all things past and present this summer, I created a collage of photographs (see above). It took quite a few hours and at times I wept as I remembered old times, ancient hurts, and happy moments. It was as cathartic as could be, for at the end when I stood back and looked at the finished product, I felt exhausted, drained, but peaceful. "Ah," I thought, "Another era is drawing to a close. At least, within me." At different times in my life I have used photographs to sum up an era or help me view things differently. About twenty five years ago, after a very traumatic incident I was feeling particularly bad about myself. One morning, after reading somewhere about doing this, I decided to create a photographic collage of favorite photographs of myself. And so, for awhile I would take a look at the pictures each day to try and acquire a self I liked, at least externally. It worked quite well giving me enough confidence to get through those difficult days.

I review this past summer, and while now and again I admonish myself for wasting time, I realize, in fact, that it has been an emotionally productive season for me. I have made peace with many aspects of past and present. As I look at my family, photographic collage I created yesterday, it almost feels as if a long, deep grieving period has come to an end, is being put to rest, and I am finally moving on to acceptance.

A new semester is on its way once again, and I am almost prepared …