tamarjacobson

Ooh, it’s getting closer to the time …

So much to do before that … and after it too … yes indeed. Presenting and even attending Board meetings …

But am so happy to report that my trip to Clarion was as beautiful as Neil’s trees … if only I still lived in Buffalo. I could have participated …

I am sure that the best thing I do lately is connect up to old friends and colleagues. Our talks are deep and meaningful. They cut to the core of our being, life’s complexity, and fill the soul with love.

Greg says good teaching is about love.

My sorrow is that when I visit some early grade classrooms I do not see the love too much. Nor is there joy and laughter. Humor is cautious lest everything fall apart, everyone lose control. Everyone is so serious, preachy, moralizing, sit-up-straight and never talk out of turn or even to each other, devoid of play or playfulness, preparing and preparing for tests and testing, standards and becoming standardized, hushing and shushing, repressed and repressing …

But I arrived home energized and refueled from Sally and Greg, so happy to see my students last night again and into the delightful chill (brr) of fall in South East PA.

Well, am on my way to Clarion PA.

It seems there are a number of students reading my book and their professor and my colleague are going to ask me critical questions about it. Am excited because I heard that I will be addressing 150 students, who will surely challenge and expand my mind.

Sally, my dear old good friend, will pick me up for dinner first and we will explore her new home together.

I’ll be home soon and hopefully will have tales to tell and stories to share.

I just love blogging from the airport. Lost in my own world, all sorts of people talking, passing by and … and now they’re calling me … up, up and awaaaaaay …

It all began with an e-mail:

"Believe it or not but I am staying near Philadelphia. I am here till Thursday 11th. and would love to see you if you feel so inclined. I have no idea what your plans, schedule etc are …"

What a surprise. And, yes it was almost afternoon before I found you again, old friend. Trying to catch up on twenty five years separation within the eight hours at our disposal. Dropping everything. Work, work-out, whatever the day’s plans originally held for me, pushed, shoved, thrown aside ecstatically just to spend the time with you again. What a gift. Talking, exploring, examining, sharing, reflecting, walking, eating, drinking.

  I found myself staring at you, drinking in your presence, realizing just how much I have missed you. Forgiveness, reconciliation, remembering vividly the minutest of details of times, moments in our past, understanding about how complex life is … was … and all that matters is right here, right now.

I was sad to say goodbye. Still so much left to say, to share. But relieved, fulfilled and joyous to have you in my life again.

And, of course, we will meet again. Soon. Long before twenty five years can pass between us again.

Last night I dreamed it was raining hard and heavy. I ran around in the mud trying to bring the cats inside to safety. First, I picked up Molly and held her firmly, arms wrapped around her body as she struggled to go free, clawing and biting at me. I was speaking to her, explaining how we had to go indoors, rain dripping down my nose and into my mouth as I tried to calm her. She pushed out of my arms and as she jumped to the ground the rain turned to snow, soft, gentle, white and Molly had become Terry running towards me, tail wagging. Just as he stretched his little black button of a snout towards me, I felt a tap-tapping, little scratch on my face, and I awoke to find Ada Mae sitting on my stomach, paw reaching out to my nose.

As I write this, Ada is calling me to play with her favorite toy: string attached to a straightened wire hanger. She has become my little pal. After waking me early each morning she runs and jumps onto my desk. I laid out a small, soft blanket and she loves to sit close to me as I write. She waits while I open the blinds, take my cup of coffee and visit the bathroom. As I walk into my study she chirps and warbles a greeting, sitting up in excitement because she knows I have a few treats for her. And so, we start our day together. Ada no longer hesitates to enter our bedroom and sleeps on the bed up close to my body all night long. She is coming out of the shadow and into the light. For years, she respected Molly’s dominance and ownership of house and people in it. I suspect she was put in her place a number of times as a reminder of who was boss!

No luck with the string and hanger game, so Ada settles on a rug by my feet. A gentle soul, flirtatious, warm and soft body, she seems to sway her hips as she wanders through the house. Slowly she takes ownership, treading carefully and respectfully as she does so, looking into my eyes as if asking permission, holding my gaze without fear.

There is a calm about her that heals and forgives me of all the pain and guilt I feel about my past pets, taking the struggling dominant Molly of my dream, turning her into a white and fluffy as snow Terry, becoming the waking reality of my new, dear friend, gently tapping my nose with her out-stretched paw.

Ada Mae.

Quote of the day:

Mindfulness. Awareness. Giving. Love. I could put these thoughts together in coherent sentences, but why bother? You know what I mean. Frank Paynter in my comments.

I am shedding:

• Toxic relationships
• Old thought patterns
• Ancient generational paradigms
• Guilt, guilt, guilt
• Sadness
• Honorable suffering
• Heaviness, body and soul
• Fatigue
• Despair
• Feelings of unworthiness, un-deservedness

Oh, and Jean, the migraine blew away … poof … just like that.

I am working on kicking my heels up with joy but I cannot seem to lift off the ground. I simply need to dance more.

A year ago at Tamarika: Shattered Dreams (Update)

I had a good day at work yesterday. The sun was shining, cool breeze in the air for my drive in. Successful meeting and I got things done! As I drove home I felt pleased. Satisfied. I achieved something. Nothing huge. But something. I am learning the ropes. Finding my way. And there is support for me to do just that. Last Tuesday similar doings. The first part of yesterday’s completion.

Last Wednesday I awoke from a fitful, turbulent sleep with a violent migraine. As the day progressed I felt worse and worse about myself. Even feelings like "What’s it all about?" haunted me during the day as I tried to do what needed to be done.

This Wednesday? You guessed it! I awoke from a fitful, turbulent sleep with a violent migraine. As the day progressed I felt worse and worse about myself. Even feelings like "What’s it all about?" haunted me during the day as I tried to do what needed to be done.

And so, as T. was leaving for work with the world’s greatest fruit shake made by yours most truly, I stopped him at the door.

"Is there a pattern here?" I asked as I explained that lately when I have a good day – the next one is a pure downer, physically and emotionally. Rhetorical question I guess because he smiled and smiled.

I waved him off to his car, came inside slowly and closed the door behind me. Reaching for my blog there’s a smile on my face.

Funny how breaking a pattern sometimes comes from just speaking it out loud.

Well, for today at least …

Back in the City on Saturday, meeting up with Buffalo Buddies, we walked about, ate such good food, and wandered into an exhibit, a labyrinth of words, where there was just so much to read … think about. These are but a few of my favorites (scribbled in haste all over the train schedule between Trenton and New York Penn Station):

"If you are killed because you are a writer, that’s the maximum expression of respect, you know." Mario Vargas Llosa

"When you get there, there isn’t any there, there." Gertrude Stein

"I sit with Shakespeare and he winces not." W.E.B. DuBois

"We must have a place where children can have a whole group of adults they can trust." Margaret Mead

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; The real tragedy of life is when adults are afraid of the light." Plato

"Freedom is always and exclusively freedom for the one who thinks differently." Rosa Luxemburg

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in a period of moral crisis maintain their neutrality." Dante Alighieri

And then … home again …

A year ago at Tamarika: Maid of Constant Blogging