tamarjacobson

Looking back and thinking forward

Month: August, 2011

Revelation

IMG_0960

[A species of Plumbago in my garden]

Yesterday I was asked to think about why I am so invested in feeling to blame for other people's problems/behaviors/issues … 

The revelation about the why comes as I am twisting into yoga postures or sitting silently in meditation.

So here goes – perhaps:

If I am to blame

If I think it is all about me

Then I have the illusion that I can change it – [if it is about me, I can surely work at fixing me – there is something I can and must do about it]

An illusion that I am in control in a helpless situation – [I think I was taught that something must and can always be done to fix it]

The discomfort is in the holding still – [in doing nothing – not reacting, not fixing me/it]

Accepting that –

It is not about me –

There is absolutely nothing -

I can do about changing them.

Writing the block away

Cow-writers-block

Well, I have to admit that I have been suffering from writer's block. For real. Am not sure it has gone. But I decided to write about it just so that I could feel my fingers tapping away at the keys of this keyboard. I tried using pencil and paper, pen and paper, iPad and computer, but to no avail. And then … a few days ago I started to write again. Just like that. The ideas started coming together and I found books to read on the subject … It felt like I had been ill or something.

And then I realized – this is writer's block – blockity block.

I did not like it. In fact, I almost panicked. I have been thinking lately that I would have to find a new form of self expression. But what could I do? After all, I am not an artist. Nor am I comfortable drawing or painting, and am not sure I could dabble in poetry. My singing days are over – surely, and tennis is not as fluid as it used to be – indeed, it is almost shocking to the system. 

I guess I have had the block before, and yet never has it seemed so final and total. As I write this post trying to write the block away, I observe that it is about something deeper than just that the topic wasn't interesting, or I have nothing to write about. After all, the topic that I have been ruminating about these past months is full to the brim with psychological implications and discoveries for me. I must admit, it feels like a huge, impenetrable wall. 

But, chip away at it I will …

I must …
I want to …
and …
I think …
I hope …
the chipping has begun …