tamarjacobson

Looking back and thinking forward

Month: July, 2006

Peaceful, even a little wistful

Did you notice?

All of a sudden I just stopped blogging. For almost a week. I did not think about it much. Early this morning I wondered if it was because I have so much to say that I say nothing at all … of substance. So many thoughts and feelings locked away in head and heart. Life partner away, and alone time is plenty. Mostly Ada and I share the silence although now and again I find myself humming as I do this or that. And yet, I am often hoarse to the point of losing my voice completely. My head and heart continue their conversation into my voice box with or without my realizing, hiding, lowering my voice with or without my knowing:

… all this violence everywhere is breaking my heart; how strange that beloved ones always seem to die in July; love, feeling it quietly to myself … peaceful, even a little wistful; I order a book of Vita Sackville West’s letters to Virginia Wolf; summer is soon to end and work begins again bringing with it fear, expectation, anticipation, am being little more careful about over-enthusiasm this time around.

Yes. Peaceful, even a little wistful – delicious feeling – pretty much sums up the summer of 2006. When I googled "on loving" I found this piece:

May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease
!

No exceptions

Quote of the day:

God bless everyone. No exceptions. Bumper sticker.

Duet with Little Richard
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin

I have sold myself through and through
I have walked in the darkness too
Felt a red sun, the living proof
Washed my hands in the honest truth

I have carried this weight time after time
I have bettered the dumb and the blind
I’ve seen dignity fail and colours run
Seen justice denied by the voice of a gun

And we walk, yes we walk
And we walk with the power every day
Never letting the light slip away

Reaching out, reaching in
Touching truth and touching skin
Never letting the light slip away
And we walk with the power every day

If my faith is a fire then burn baby burn
We’ve held fire long enough to learn
Heat beneath hope is a healing light
Kept alive by the flames of night

Walk tall in the power day after day
Never, never, never lose sight of the way
See the dawn come and the dusk hang
See the power rise from an open hand

A real and serious blogger

Quote of the day:

How can we make sense of anything that is happening in the world if not through the lens of our own experience? Danny Miller

From time to time I question my blogging purpose. Sometimes I question whether I should continue blogging at all. Lately I have been wondering if I am a real and serious blogger. After all, I do not attend any blogging conferences. And I have noticed that some bloggers receive over 50 comments on their posts regularly. They must have hundreds, probably thousands, possibly tens of thousands of hits a day.

I seem to piddle along telling tales of cats with broken legs and proddings into my own psyche – how boring or meaningless is that? Surely a real blogger writes about important issues, socio-cultural news, or opines politically about the wrongs and rights of everything. Most likely I take the "lens of [my] own experience" a bit too far. After all, who am I to be telling the world (even as teeny as my world of readers is) about my stupid little life?

Would a real and serious blogger write about bringing home Molly‘s ashes today? Lighting a memorial candle next to the tidy little wooden box that contains her remains … reflecting on how small the box is when Molly seemed so large and full of life when she was alive. Wondering where or whether to bury her ashes in the near future … missing my old, furry friend each morning when I rise, each evening when I retire …

TGIF

Is this how you feel about Fridays and Mondays?

Download Friday_vs_Monday.wmv

Thanks, Suri …

Alone and strong

Quote of the day:

Beware the friend who misses your big event – book party, baby shower or engagement party. People who care for you will revel in your triumphs, not avoid themO, the Oprah Magazine

Recent events in my life reinforced the realization that I am truly alone. Even if surrounded by kind words and supportive gestures of friends or family, I understand that some things I can only do alone. Face down my fears, hold still with discomfort, or get in touch with inner feelings. I do best alone, unclouded with rumblings of kindly advice or people who are too uncomfortable to listen to me tell my truth. With that comes a second realization: the discovery that I am strong. I can be like the huge, sturdy oak outside my window. Standing firm as stormy waters swirl around me, even if I might feel dizzy with the confusion, chaos, unknown sensations of it all. I am awed by the power of the brain. Indeed, my mind is my strength, for it creates attitude, develops understanding, shows me reality, and brings me peace as a healing balm to all kinds of pain and discomfort.

Strength comes in knowing that I have a choice about how to feel, what to believe, how to think and, even, how to react. Therein lies my responsibility, commitment to my self, integrity, ability to give and receive love, and personal growth.

Alone and strong.

Therein lies my freedom.

Fog on the Tamar

08012005_11 

Me oh my … just was tracking someone googling "Tamar photos," when I came upon this:

Albert_bridge_ecard_350x240 "Fog on the Tamar."

Hmm … well let’s just say … the fog has lifted.

Wake up call

Quote of the day:

If you want to be listened to, you should put in time listening. Marge Piercy

Yes, this latest health scare has been quite a wake up call. Never before have "seize the day" and "be here now" meant as much to me. All I can think of as important right about now is to show those closest to me that I love them truly, madly, deeply and to gather supportive, compassionate, humorous people around me. No more time to waste on judgmental relationships; no more time to wallow around in the dark. Coming out and building those pockets of light ever brighter at home, in my community, and allowing ripples of light to wash out to the wider universe. This is important to me.

It has been a true exercise in taking it one day at a time. At moments of fear or panic to hold still, deep inside myself and feel faith in my strength to face whatever might be necessary.

And, speaking of humor, there were moments when I became as neurotic as all Woody Allen’s characters put together, and I learned that laughing at myself became as important for my survival as feeling faith in my strength!

So, in conclusion, I would say that laughter, love and faith in myself is all I need … is all I need … is all I need … oh yes … and friends … definitely friends.

The company of friends (Update)

It has been a tough couple of weeks. Stressful and sad for all kinds of reasons. Some of them I have shared with you recently. Others I am still working on.

0156big But in any case, today I was invited to lunch with new friends. They treated me to a most delicious small ring macaroni tuna salad with the pasta specially brought in all the way from Iowa. And just as I was preparing to leave, their friendly little dog entertained me by dropping a Dubya pet toy at my feet hoping for a tug o’ war game or two.

Ah, it was good to laugh, talk, eat good food, share my troubles and blow my blues away for awhile!

Update:

And later in the day … towards evening even, I was given a delicate bracelet of colored crystal stones … hand made, full of healing energy … to get me through the rest.

Unhinging the bind

I have always loved watching toddlers and young preschoolers as they take apart buildings they have built or structures created. They examine each piece of block, Lego brick or bolts and screws dismantled. In their hands they turn over each little piece sometimes even tasting or smelling them in order to understand fundamentally what their world is all about.

As I start to unhinge the double bind, inevitably I must unravel each part, dimension, aspect, or characteristic of the dynamic in order to fundamentally understand what my world of relationships is all about.

I discover that when I was a child, the importance of responding appropriately to absurd double messages lay in developing a sense of self-worth in my need to be loved. However, there is more. There is also a competition to be the best. To match up. In our family, there is much to aspire to be: the most loyal, most sane, the best mother, sister, daughter, politician, reader, movie critic, writer, scholar, psychologist, gardener, and so on. And herein lies yet another bind. For what does it mean to be the best of all those things? In fact, there is no clear definition for each of these attributes, and even if there was at first, it is created by one or two people, who are also the only ones who can change the definition to suit their needs, usually without giving the rest of us notice. So I might aspire to be the best of all those things but even then the boundaries or rules of the definitions are so unpredictable or arbitrary that I probably will not succeed in matching up anyway.

In order to unhinge the bind further, not only must I stop expecting to be loved or base my self-worth on this absurdity, I must cease the competition. For how should I expect pride or acknowledgment for my achievements if their definitions are constantly changed in midstream? I realize that these expectations or theories have no basis in reality. They have nothing whatsoever to do with what I aspire to be or not to be.

Instead, they are, in fact, connected to people’s fears, or chaotic, insecure and unmanageable worlds. Indeed, they retain a tight control on all definitions in this life competition in order to preserve the illusion that if they know for sure the truth about how things must be, they can never fall apart.

Day-to-day transforming

Wise words from dearest Nelle:

Losing Molly is such a day-to-day transforming experience. More than our spouse, more than our children, more than our friends, it’s those pets that we talk to and watch and cuddle and feed everyday. Molly leaves a very big hole in your life.

Thanks to everyone for your words of kindness and understanding. It meant so much to me, for not only am I missing little Molly Mable, I am surprised at just how sad I am … especially really early in the morning.

Thank you to:

Heidi, Karen, Jean, Mary, Richard, Mark, Brenda, Adriana, Joy, Ainelivia, Mo’a, Clouds

P.S. I passed on all your messages to Ada Mae who seems to be searching for Molly in every corner of the place.