tamarjacobson

Looking back and thinking forward

Month: May, 2013

Where to now?

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Quote of the day:

Wherever you think you’re heading right now might turn out to take a completely different path. What looks like an ending might actually be the start of a brand-new beginning. Annie Lennox

A little while ago, my son called me up out of the blue, sounding excited, and told me to find the nearest computer at once. I was just arriving home from a long, energetic walk in the sun, and as tired as I felt, I managed to race upstairs to find my iPad at his bidding. He directed me to the YouTube video of Annie Lennox's keynote address at Berklee College of Music earlier this month. While I realized that she was speaking to undergraduate students, forty years younger than me, I must say that it felt as if she was talking directly to me.

For, June 26 this year marks the twenty fifth anniversary of my immigration to America, and the beginning of an academic journey. With my recent promotion to full professor, it feels as if I have arrived at a destination of sorts. Is the journey over? (I ask myself) Of course it is by no means the end of my career. Indeed, it only enhances all that I have been working towards these past two and a half decades. But, still, it feels like a conclusion of sorts. Perhaps it will be more peaceful emotionally for me, because there will be less need, professionally, to face down my demons of insecurity and lack of confidence. 

I think about writing, and am not sure which direction I will take me. One of the things I have learned over the years is not to try and change the whole world all at once, but rather reach one teacher at a time. Each teacher affects the emotional lives of hundreds of children, and that continues to give me hope for the future – bit by bit. Self reflection will always accompany my travels, whichever direction I follow … but what else? I desire something different to write about. Perhaps I will focus more on my Good Mother blog … or create a book about cats out of all the blog posts I have written about my feline friends these past eight years. This is a project I have been thinking about taking on since sweet Oscar died. I still sense that somewhere inside me lives a memoir waiting to tumble out. And, have I exhausted all the knowledge and wisdom I have learned and experienced to share with teachers of young children?

So, where to now? I sense exciting times ahead, because I feel able to choose the direction – my new path. And, to that end, maybe I will just hold still awhile, and wait for a muse or a sign … to send me on my way.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: The first senior moment in history

Feeling good is good enough

I must say that lately it seems that feeling good has become relentless … I mean, it just keeps coming back stronger than before even and in spite of the obstacles I try to put in my way.

Indeed, I am amazed at how versatile my mind is in coming up with ways to make me feel bad essentially only minutes after I feel empowered, joyful, or just plain happy. Headaches; anxiety attacks; chest pains; regrets; guilt about being a bad mother, pet owner, wife, friend, human being; general nostalgia and longing; self-loathing; fits of desperate hunger, only moments after I have eaten a full meal; and tensions in my neck and shoulders so deep that a massage therapist recently almost broke her wrists trying to drive out of me!

I am beginning to understand the full extent of the power of my mind-body connection, and it is awesome. As if on a bumpy roller coaster ride, noisy, painful, and even terrifying at times, I soldier on through pushing any ailments or rising negative feelings aside, allowing myself to feel good over and over again.

This is it, I imagine. If I am able to weather this storm long enough with as much courage and strength as I can muster, I am bound to reach peaceful waters, where I might float quietly, bobbing and up and down with a few mild ripples caused by a gentle breeze only now and then.

Eight years ago at Tamarika: Oh, may they hear me calling (Update) & I dream of Dali

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Foreign flower