tamarjacobson

Well, I should be writing. And I should be preparing all the syllabi for my classes. I should be shopping, doing the laundry, feeding the birds, playing with Ada.

But I would just rather write in my blog.

I should be on the treadmill, lifting weights, stretching and breathing into the yoga routine.

But I would just rather write in my blog.

My eyes sag and droop, burn and tear up with all the should’s racing around my brain. It is like a thousand voices yelling within and without. Should, should, should …

I should have been a better mother. I should lose weight. I should pay for my transgressions … pay, pay, pay.

I would just rather sit here in this darkened, gray morning, listening to the calls and cries, pips, squeaks and twitters of blue jays, cardinals, nut hatches, chickadees, sparrows, warblers, wrens, titmice, chipmunks as they exclaim and announce that food is in the feeder. I would rather sit here and write in my blog, gather peace from it and let the words flow from my fingers and onto the screen.

Yesterday, late in the afternoon, when I was done being alone and "shoulding" my way through the day, I went to see Becoming Jane … alone. I couldn’t help but marvel how she wrote whenever and wherever she could scratching the words on paper by candlelight with ink all over her fingers. Her "should’s" were ever so much more formidable than mine. She was so much more courageous in her time, than I am in mine …

I should be more of an activist. I should make more of a stand, contribution …

But I would just rather write in my blog …