tamarjacobson

It surely seems that way.

There seems like so much to say. Shedding the pounds, shedding the shame, I give space for repressed thoughts to surface. Bob-the-therapist used to tell me about this phenomenon, and I did not quite understand him – until lately. Relief and healing frees up those emotions that were buried in self defense. And that is why sometimes joy and elation are accompanied by tender sadness. I get it!

For me, it is not enough to allow myself to be successful. I am now starting to allow myself to feel successful. Indeed, I am able to acknowledge it within me, and rest – almost – easy. More than that, I am not dependent on others for their acknowledgment of me. It is not a vain or scary feeling, although it does cause me twinges of anxiety, which I am then able to identify quickly and, holding still, face down – cast away.

Just yesterday I noticed that when a colleague spoke well of me, I was able to enjoy the feeling. I smiled within and without, and accepted the compliment without a sarcastic retort, my old knee-jerk resistance – my old response to mistrust. More importantly, I allowed myself to believe her. It felt good. Real. True. I was then able to clearly identify ways that I could use my talents to make a worthwhile contribution to a situation. Old fears of not being worthwhile or deserving did not cloud or blur the path I might choose to take. It felt solid.

Bit by bit, moment by moment, day by day, I am learning to trust a new reality. With each regression, I am able to climb out of my self-made abyss, which is becoming ever more shallow, and return to the progression – sometimes, even, a step or too ahead or where I left off.

There is no turning back.