To sleep, perchance to dream

Lying in my bed listening to the drip, drip, drip of the coffee machine, hearing the sighs and gentle snores of the sleepers in the house, I suddenly realized what I had been dreaming about. It was amazingly vivid. As clear as those shining, shimmering flashes of light that precede a violent migraine. I snuggled further into my bed, pulling the comforter around up by my ears, stared straight into the dark, soon to be light morning, and visualized each stage of the dream – where I was standing, what I was feeling, how I was shouting. I experienced the anger. It was real, huge. In my dream, I had allowed myself to express the rage forcefully, assertively, and with great confidence. 

Just yesterday on my morning walk I had been thinking about how I hold onto the pounds of weight in my body, when I feel angry or violated. It was clear to me that there was a correlation between the two. I simply eat more, and uncontrollably when I am feeling rage or shame. I hold onto the pounds as if to pad my body with a shield, in defense of all those uncomfortable emotions. The discomfort comes directly from feeling forbidden to express them.

Early this morning, I allowed myself to express anger in my dream – without guilt, without shame. And as I lay quietly in my bed processing all of this, a great sense of calm came over me and I pulled in a long breath and exhaled deeply. I understood the reason behind my migraine a few days ago, as I was driving home from work. I rose to pour myself a cup of coffee, greet a happy-to-see-me Ada, and face the new morning light.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: A letter to commenters