When I write my memoir, I want to talk about the loves of my life. There is much to process, and what better way to do it than by writing through it.
Recently, I was thinking about my third husband who, about a year or so after our divorce in our last ever conversation, said to me pityingly "Do you still have only one coat?" I knew what he meant, the instant he said it, because I have never felt deserving of possessing more than one coat. Such an expensive item! Why would I ever need more than that? However, I was surprised that he had thought about that during the fours years we were together. I guess we can never know what another person is thinking unless they tell us! And vice versa, of course.
These past couple of months I have rectified the coat situation considerably. I wish I could tell him that. Indeed, I just purchased myself a
Parka and a
rain coat! You see, almost a year ago, life partner bought me a gorgeously
warm winter coat, and I have enjoyed feeling warm, comfortable, and even looking good in it. I must admit that it makes me feel worthy of being loved. Deep and complex feelings just about a coat! But then, again, lately I have been feeling more and more deserving of all sorts of feelings and things than ever before in my life. And so, psychological connections are being made. Now, I am allowing myself a separate coat for different situations. And, I am doing this all by myself without counsel or advice from anyone else. Just simply, while browsing through catalogs, I discover coats that I would like to wear for different occasions, and allow myself to buy them.
There is much more to be said on the subject of deserving, and past loves in my life. It is complex because it involves me thinking about my sexuality, intimate relationships, what I have learned or know about loving someone, and certainly what I think or thought I was or am worthy of. The stories have started to rise up within my brain and unravel out. Yes indeed, the process of memoir reflections has begun.
tamarjacobson 