Around and around

I have been reading past posts from my blog. I notice patterns and cycles. In the self examination that I seem to want to do fiercely, constantly, on the blog, in therapy, throughout my life, it seems that I return to similar themes each month of each year that I have blogged, these past six years or so.

Do we all do that?

In a sense, as everything seems to be changing, everything remains the same. 

Joy and success, leads to self-flagellation and angst, and, even, illness. Feelings are hidden, felt, validated, justified, accepted, and hidden again. The need for acknowledgement and unconditional acceptance seems as strong as ever, and do I always strive to let things go, detach, and find peace? Only to find I am attaching, holding on, in a storm of sorrow again and again?

I was hoping that I might be edging, albeit as slowly as a tortoise, towards self understanding and peace of mind. Thought I was making a stand for me, setting new boundaries, feeling love and compassion more deeply than ever … and yet, as I read back through the years I notice I am going around and around … just as surely as the seasons turn … in circles … cycles … changing ever so slightly, but yet also staying the same.

I wonder.

Perhaps I should stop working so desperately hard to change my Self so much? 

I wonder.

Has that been the issue all along?