tamarjacobson

Early this morning I looked at Oscar and Mimi sleeping peacefully close up against the heating units. It was dark outside with decorative lights from the house across the street twinkling through the window. Snow began falling softly. I realized that my cats are darling companions, who will accompany me into 2018. They are interested in everything I do and look up when I speak. They lie close while I write or when I sit and read on the couch in the living room. They purr and meow, and are always there somehow in the background of my day. 

It got me to thinking who else will accompany me into the New Year. What a heart warming feeling that was! For, companions come in all forms.

My husband, of course, and members of the community, who have become such good friends and neighbors. My son and his wife, even as they live at least a train ride away in a neighboring city. Family and friends near and far. Facebook and blogger friends. My therapist, publisher and editors. All my plants inside and out. My trusty old car, and the neighboring gray cat, who visits our yard each day. Trains and buses. Our Co-op and coffee shops. My computer and iPhone that keep me connected to the world and close to home all at the same time. 

The reality of now will accompany me, and holding still in the moment, even as memories and illusions of nostalgia try to distract me. Baking my old trusty chocolate cake, or cooking a pot of chicken soup. Routines and spontaneity. Weather and early morning light.

Companions come in all forms.

Quote of the day

I have some goals for my New Year. They are part of my wintry mix: writing the new book, sharing my emotional life with others, allowing myself to face more and more of my uncomfortable or frightening feelings, and becoming more healthy – physically and emotionally. From: A Wintry Mix 

Reading over last year's December posts, I realize that I actually fulfilled all the goals I had set myself for the new year ahead, even though once I had written about them, I immediately forgot them!

I'm getting the hang of looking back and thinking forward. I find that reflecting on, and understanding the past helps me make the changes I want for my future in the present. Being an adult is enormously freeing. Indeed, the older I become, the less fear I have about feeling, thinking, or acting differently.

For this coming New Year, I have only one goal, and I do believe it might be the hardest one yet. I want to learn how to ask for what I want and need without fear. In my upcoming book, which will be published next year, I deepen the research for my self, and really come to grips with how I learned not to feel deserving of anyone's attention. I realized while writing the book, that I am unable to ask for what I need, if I don't feel deserving in the first place. I discovered it – not as some kind of cognitive, intellectual act – but viscerally, physically and emotionally. It felt as if all the years of therapy finally came together and showed me a well-lit path from far away into my childhood leading me out into my present reality. This "awareness" thing that I so longed for is, in fact, excruciatingly painful, like having deep surgery into my emotional memory. 

I must admit that I welcomed the pain, as uncomfortable as it was throughout the summer months and into early fall. For, it is being followed by healing, clarity, and freedom from fear. I have become even more passionate about the importance of strengthening our quality relationships with young children. I know from personal experience that they need our understanding and validation in order to thrive emotionally. They need us to be present and to connect, while taking them seriously, and showing them how worthwhile they are.

We all need that.

For the New Year, I am setting myself a goal: to feel deserving enough to ask for what I want and need without fear of being thought of as demanding, a burden, trouble, or in the way. I am going to try and change the paradigm of my self and feel worthy enough. I realize it is easier said than done, and like last year I will probably forget I set this goal as soon as it is written.

However, for some time now I already sense a stirring, a shift in how I perceive myself. So … I think I am already on my way …

Okay – here is a third try to write something for December. Writing a blog there are no crumpled pieces of paper strewn all over the floor. But ideas are strewn all over my brain. At first I wanted to write about awareness and how my self exploration  and understanding has made me more aware and clear about who I am and how I got here. But then I realized that there was way too much to write in one blog post and I did not feel like delving into painful realizations.

Then I started to write about the year that was and how I am thinking ahead to the new year. But that felt so cliche and expected at this time of the year.

Finally, I wanted to write about the changing weather and how getting older this year has been gratifying because I feel so much more alive and authentic than I have ever been. I was about to include in that some of what I was thinking about as I completed the final draft of my upcoming book. None of those pieces felt worthwhile to post.

And so, then I tried my hand at some political activist writing where I explained that I made a conscious decision this past year not to discuss politics on my blog or Facebook page. It was not out of fear, or even sorrow that President Obama's term had come to an end. It was simple. I did not want the name of our current President to sully my websites. I did not want to give him any kind of attention. But mainly, his name, actions, comments, behaviors, and interactions are shameful, and I did not want that to taint anything that came from me. But that topic fell, well, flat on its face.

My brain has been rambling on and on today making me think of so many different things. In the end I suppose I am glad that the semester is winding down and I am looking forward to the winter holiday season with family and friends. That's as banal as can be but then so is life mostly – ordinary and day-to-day. It doesn't have to be exciting and surprising. It can be just that – visits with friends, baking a cake, and feeding the cats. Walking in the woods and gasping with joy at the blooming Christmas cacti in the breakfast nook.