tamarjacobson

On gratitude:

• Appreciation for humankind when it is being kind;
• loving glorious vistas and quaint overgrown gardens;
• feeling visible and worthwhile;
• recognizing past pain as just that … past pain;
• feeling love to the point of agony when looking into an infant's eyes;
• gathering for family gatherings with all the challenges that arise with intimate, relationship complexities;
• the constancy of ever changing seasons;
• relishing a really good cup of coffee early in the morning with a jet lag hangover;
• realizing that the work I do significantly contributes to the emotional well-being of young children.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: No time to countdown! 2018

Is this an early start to countdown to Thanksgiving?

Arriving in Buffalo to facilitate a professional development day with University at Buffalo Child Care Center staff. Looking out at the sea of faces of child care teachers and administrators, I was deeply affected by realizing that twenty years ago I had set in motion the foundation of not one, but two sites  that the enormous and diverse, state of the art child care center has become today. I became emotional a few times during my presentation and discussions with staff, feeling proud of former students and teachers I had mentored so many years ago, now educating children with devotion and dedication for all of the campus community.

Snow falling softly in Buffalo, in mid November, just as I remember it whenI first immigrated here to America thirty one years ago. Driving with a colleague and old friend through familiar streets to the home of one of the dearest people I have ever known – a former student from my first days in Buffalo at the Early Childhood Research Center. Last night I sat at that warm dining room table laden with beautiful plates and bowls of delicious Korean foods that she lovingly prepared in my honor. We reminisced about old times and talked of days ahead. I felt cherished as if it was a homecoming. 

I awoke extra early this morning filled with gratitude. Jumping out of bed in my hotel room and almost ran to the window to look at the snow covered streets below, I realized that this is, indeed, the first in my 2019 count down to Thanksgiving.

Quote of the day:

Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. Carl Sandburg

About a week ago in the late afternoon, I was standing  in my kitchen wondering what to eat with my tea. Should it be a banana, slice of bread and cheese, small bowl of cereal, bunch of grapes, yogurt … the list seemed endless, and I could not make up my mind. What did I feel like eating? Was I even physically hungry at that moment? Just as I stood there by the counter, waiting for the kettle to boil for my tea, I said to myself: "I have such a love-hate relationship with food." And then, just as soon as I spoke the words out loud, I realized:

"Not with food. With myself."

For a moment I felt like I had just stopped myself in my tracks. "An epiphany!"I exclaimed out loud. So now what was I going to do with this revelation? I made the cup of tea forgetting about wanting anything to snack on with it, and ran, as fast as a 70-year-old woman can, upstairs to my study. Once there I rummaged through a pile of notebooks that lay waiting for me to someday use as a journal. I pulled out a small red leather bound diary that I had bought several years before at the time thinking it would serve well as a vehicle for stray thoughts or feelings that needed processing. This would do, I thought. Now I can journal about what makes me spiral down into self-loathing, or when I am feeling good about myself. After all, any food diet (or anti-food diet) I had done in the past always required me to log the calorie intake every day.

So, why not journal about my feelings instead?

That way I might uncover how the love/hate relationship with my Self might be connected to how I experience hunger. For example, I remembered that I once blogged about hunger being directly connected to being angry. So, in fact, for some time now, I have been thinking of the emotional connection with eating. And yet, this "epiphany" last week felt different. Perhaps because lately I have more courage to confront my feelings than I had in the past.  

I understand that I feel uncomfortable when I experience feelings that as a child I was taught were bad.

These lessons run deep.

But, still, they are from the past and are ancient messages that I no longer need for my survival, now that I am an adult. I am willing to face them head on and shove them aside as the old bags of garbage they are! No more time to schlep them around with me any longer. So, am looking forward to sharing this process with my little red leather-bound diary, or friendly blog o'mine, Mining Nuggets.

Just another layer to uncover  … 

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Countdown to Thanksgiving, 2018