tamarjacobson

… to …

MILLIE GARFIELD

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!!!!

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Happy, happy day!

How I love Facebook. Let me count the ways. I love receiving flowers for my garden and fish for the aquarium. I enjoy dancing with Frank and poking Madame Levy. I adore meeting new friends like Tree, or old friends like Mike.

And I surely get a kick out of answers to my questions.

Recently I asked my Facebook friends: Why must summer end?

Here are their replies.

Mary Godwin:
Summer must end so that we can get to Christmas!! …and presents!!

It gives me something to think about. It really does.

I don’t know what came over me, but I just felt like doing this quiz this morning after visiting Kay’s site! And just look what it said!

Amazing … what you can tell abou a person from eating pizza …

What Your Pizza Reveals

You eat like a European. A little bit of everything, but too much. You stay svelt through portion control. You consider pizza to be bread… very good bread. You fit in best in the Midwest part of the US. Your taste is rather complex and sophisticated. You consider yourself a gourmet – and a bit of a snob. You are generous, outgoing, and considerate with your choices. You are cultured and intellectual. You should consider traveling to Vienna. The stereotype that best fits you is hippie. You knew it was coming.

It all becomes clear. Confusions or angers. Pain or joys from the day before. Frustrations or worries. Wonderings and tribulations. Somehow, in the morning, as I lie awake in the half dark dawn, just before the light creeps across the sky above the old oak tree, it all becomes clear. Feelings understood, decisions that must be made, actions that will be taken.

Quote of the day:

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. Desiderata

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Wisdom of all ages

From MoveOn:

Pass it on …

Quote of the day:

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again. Oscar Wilde

Thank you, Winston!

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Looking back and thinking forward

Dear Blog,

While walking with Gilad down by Valley Green this afternoon, I thought about so many things. We walked and climbed mostly in silence, finding a brisk rhythm and only stopping for awhile to throw left over bread from the weekend to the ducks and geese swimming in the river. It is one of the aspects of our relationship that I love. Our ability as mother and son to be together in silence. It gives me time to clear my head and deepen reflection, for even as he is quiet, he is surely and steadily at my side, part of my past, future and present, having passed through my womb and out into the world, now an independent young man.

My thoughts wandered as we walked. They came to rest upon you, Blog. And I got to thinking about how I used to write to you, and how times have changed. It seemed as if in the beginning when I discovered blogging, I would write about all sorts of difficult and uncomfortable feelings. Lately, even though I still open up to you, I find that I am more guarded. There are so many personal and very private emotions that I do not share with you as readily as I used to when we first started out together. I miss that a lot, for it is quite different from writing personal reflections in a private journal. Sharing myself publicly with others bearing witness was as exciting as could be. So much of my inner life, kept underground and alone for so many years suddenly became open and manageable. You were so good for me, Blog. I am grateful for that experience. I wanted to tell you that.

It is not that I feel despondent or disillusioned. Our relationship has changed. That’s all. I still need you, Blog:

• To keep in touch with the world out there.
• Because I believe in community of any kind. I enjoy being a part of this Internet-land. Sometimes, it still feels a bit like magic.
• It keeps me feeling young, connected, savvy, and part of something bigger than myself.
• You give me something to look forward to.
• You allow me to laugh, wonder in awe, dance, express, express, express, and, even,  weep.
• You are available morning, noon and night.
• You give me permission to play!

In any case, Blog, I just really wanted to write and tell you that you are dear to me and important in my life. Even if I write less often, or not as personally from time to time, don’t worry. I need you to bear witness with me even though my emotional status has shifted a little. I thought of you in the afternoon sun this afternoon, walking side by side with my son. And it felt solid and good.

Thank you, Blog.

I wrap my Cyber arms around you.

And go out into the late afternoon quietly, smiling to myself in satisfaction knowing you will be right here as I glance back over my shoulder.

Love,

Tamarika.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Festschrift

Quote of the day:

Stop a minute, right where you are. Relax your shoulders, shake your head and spine like a dog shaking off cold water. Tell that imperious voice in your head to be still. Barbara Kingsolver

The challenge now is to take on all the work that awaits me and not lose the new joyous attitude I have found so recently.

Update:

Well, my spirits are uplifted indeed! Karl Rove resigns end of August? The brain is going … going … gone …

Who will dance with me in the streets? My tambourine is in hand … smile on my lips … twinkle in my eye … a light shines (ever so dimly) at the end (?) of this horror story …

My son is visiting for a week and we have much to catch up on. Walks in the park, listening to his new compositions, learning about the pulse in his music as he composes his new melodies, and remembering his childhood together. He has questions for me and much to tell me about how he is feeling and what he is doing with his life. He is even allowing me to buy him some gifts, so I am ecstatic!

The other evening he wanted to see photographs of what I looked like at age 34 – his current age. Here is one:

Here is another:

Both of us gasped in amazement. "Wow!" he said out loud, and exclaimed in Hebrew, "You were shafa [good looking]." I stared at the pictures through his eyes remembering those times 24 years ago when he was ten and I was at my peak of searching for love. That was a challenging period in my life. He and I have surely survived, somewhat, somehow …

As we reminisced, I couldn’t help but wonder, wistfully, how I have come to look like this:

Of course, to be sure, I am not as anxious and full of angst as I was in those days. I think I even feel safe, in the way that Tess commented about the other day. But, safe shmafe, it cannot be healthy in the long run. I decided to print out this photo where I can see it daily, since Marion and I recently made a pact together that over the next two years we are going to drop all that weight we have gained (she has much less to lose than me). We are just not going to take it with us into our sixties!

Femme fatale …

… is one of those labels assigned to me a long time ago. Recently, I was dismayed when I was called that again. For awhile I was silent and then I even tried to defend myself. But soon gave it up. I have spent so much of my life trying to disprove theories, myths and labels that I was given. Femme fatale is just one of them. Lately, for reasons I will not go into here, the phrase repeats itself in my mind. A sure sign that I need to explore this more in depth, and uncover what it means for me.

Since I was a young woman starting to realize my sexuality, I was needy for acknowledgment and validation, and would gratefully go with anyone who would have me, always incredulous that any one could love someone like me. Writing these words renders me immediately vulnerable. What exposure! It would be better for my self image if only I had considered myself a femme fatale. At least it would mean I thought of myself as sexy and dangerous, not pathetic. Marrying a number of times does not mean that I was attractive to men. It meant that I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

It is also interesting for me to reflect that the same people who assigned me that label, also taught me that a woman’s self worth is through her sex appeal. It was such a relief for me to break down those myths and re-socialize myself as a woman, even though it took me until I was well into my forties to understand all that. Indeed, I still struggle with those notions, especially as I age and fear becoming invisible. I have to admit that it was exhausting always trying to be sexually acceptable, for I have never been thin or blond or any of those stereotypes that go with what the dominant culture thinks of as attractive.

And so, I must conclude that people who labeled me femme fatale, must have been insecure about their own sexuality. How could they not be in our cut throat Patriarchal system? Indeed, it had nothing to do with who I am or how I perceive myself. Women are our own worst enemies. If only we would stop wasting time calling each other names and competing for the men in our lives. If only we would, rather, band together interdependently with those men out there. Then, perhaps, we could change all these notions and myths about self-worth and attractiveness, develop our sensuality without shame, and love one another right now.

The only regret that I have is realizing all this at age 58. It is almost as if all that time has been wasted on senseless misery and pain. I hope it is not too late to enjoy my sensuality and sexual worth, without binding my mind to ancient, meaningless labels, even as I enter the gates to the senior realm.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Four years ago; & The personality of politics