Self-Portrait

by tamarjacobson

So many intriguing, artistic, poetic, humorous, dramatic, and haunting self-portraits out there! I have been trying to keep track:

Over at Brenda, Jean, Mary, Natalie, just to name a few …

I tried. Yes indeed. I sat by the mirror, pencil and paper in hand, sketching and erasing and then erasing so much more. Just could not get it to come out in a way I felt was presentable. Then I tried using pastel crayons for an artistic flair, phone and other digital cameras for dramatic reality. I tried holding the camera up high, to the side, behind and in front of me. Yoga came in handy as I squirmed, twisted, and contorted my body for this exercise.

Finally, I decided to give up the artistic flair part and just share a few pictures to portray my self …

Selfportrait1 This is me, Tamarika of Rhodes, squinting into the sunlight and trying to smile. Am completely and absolutely hopeless at smiling for the camera. I see a graying haired woman in her later fifties with dark rings under the eyes, lines and wrinkles that share life’s stories gloriously and unabashedly.

If I look closely, focus deeper into the soul I remember a me of a different period lurking behind those wrinkly eyes:

Tamthebeautiful_4 See. Some of you might remember this picture from my old Tamarika blog. Same curled up into the sun eyes. Not trying to smile here. Reflective though – wondering what life is all about, learning to be a single Mom, facing the shattered dream of life without Trimurthi and a "broken home" for my beautiful son.

Yarivtamar_2 This me lurks behind the eyes of the now me, forever haunting, niggling, shadowing.

But as I search for the self I am trying to portray in old pictures that lurk behind the me of now, I always return to what an old friend of the family used to call, "Baba Tamar."

Tamwithdoll2  For she lies within my soul behind all those curled up, squinting eyes, wrinkles, and angst. I see her as the core, essence of Tamarika, and the potential of what I could be, might still be (sometimes am): playful, ecstatic, joyful, bright eyed, humorous, clear, and not afraid to smile for the camera! (Hey! and do you see what I see? Those chubby cheeks and jowls of then are returning to my face of now) I often return to this picture and remind myself of what lies within. As I gaze at it I feel stirrings of that little inner child and I become quite excited, and impish, and feel confident enough to conquer the world!