Take my advice, I don’t use it
by tamarjacobson
Quote of the day:
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. Carl Jung, from over at Andy‘s place.
I pretty much divide people up into those who give advice and others who listen and support. I realize that all those advice-givers are doing what they do because either they are uncomfortable with another person’s pain and think they need to fix it, or, perhaps, they just get some kind of kick out of hearing themselves talk. However, when I am in emotional pain, the last thing I want to hear is how someone else knows how to fix it. Because, obviously, if I could solve it I would! And most often the advice offered has nothing to do with who I am or what my fears are.
On the other hand, when someone just listens to me with authentic caring and support, and validates how I am feeling, I have the space to explore my problem, and who I am in how to deal with it, and very often am able to find the way out on my own later.
Advice givers always say: "I know how you feel."
"No, you don’t. How can you? You are not me, with my complexity, life history, fears, ways of looking at things. You cannot possibly know how I feel, judge myself, or experience the world around me. Ever. You can only know how you feel and what works for you."
So, just listen to me as I tell my story and I will listen to you as you tell me yours. And then, perhaps, we will be able to shed some warm light on each other as we struggle to find our way through this complex journey we’re on. A community of supporters, without judgment, just being there for one another, kindling light through the darkness of mere being.
tamarjacobson 
Andy, thanks so much for this link. I will surely look into it too as it can be helpful to the work I am doing right now. What fun to have you right there – directly across from view in cyberland! What a comfort!
Duh! WordPress doesn’t like embedded tags….
Here are the links:
http://www.cognitive-edge.com/2007/03/electronic_rats_the_need_for_love.php
I happened on a reference to A General Theory of Love from Dave Snowden today. It looks relevant to this issue. Maybe I’ll have time to think about it a bit further, but for now I just wanted to drop the link in to make the connection…
Joy,
Am so glad this post resonated with you!
Andy,
I agree with you so much about the education system, problem solving, and the way we are taught to prize rationality and logic above all else. It goes along with the work I am doing right now about how teachers’ emotions affect their responses to children’s behaviors they find challenging. They want to be rational even as their emotions are boiling up inside. They have nowhere to go with it because if they dare explore this side of themselves with mentors or supervisors, inevitably they are faced with even more logic and rational thinking, as a way to solve these problems. And selling my research and writing on this topic to the educational community is even more difficult! I should probably just pack it all in and become a therapist … finally!
This was a terrific post Tamar…I so totally agree with you. Noone can feel another’s pain or despair; but they certainly can help alleviate it by being there for them….without judgment. A friend who is a good listener and an objective voice is worth their weight in gold and is all anyone really needs. Thanks Tamar…
I may be falling into a similar trap here – this time, seeking out a cause rather than a solution – but it occurs to me that one reason for the prevalence of the desire to ‘fix it’ is the emphasis which the education system places on problem solving. It was thirty years or more before I realised that logical, rational thinking, although useful, is only a tool, and sometimes it’s not the right tool for the job. Yet we’re taught to prize rationality and logic above all else; taught that there is a right answer to every question, if only we could find it. I sometimes find that the struggle to suppress that programming can make it hard to place energy instead in an alternative.
Yes, girlanddog, I agree with you that not all advice-givers are happy hearing themselves, or, at least, are even aware that is why they do it. Who knows, eh? I sometimes go to people for advice when I feel I need a different perspective, definitely. Very often it is to those very people who were such wonderful listeners in the first place, when I was emotionally distraught, because I learned to trust them.
I don’t agree, though, that all men want to fix things. In fact, most of the best listeners, I have found, have been men. My own life partner right now has the perfect balance of being a great listener and when I am in doubt I can always turn to him for a different perspective.
MaryB,
Yes, when people tell others to “calm down” – well, that is not only unhelpful, it is disrespectful.
For a lot of men, “fixing things” is the only way they can feel helpful. It used to drive me crazy when I was venting and my boyfriend would offer suggestions, but now I appreciate the effort. You could tell the advice-giver: “I would appreciate it if you could just listen to me without giving me any advice. I just need to let this all out.”
Sometimes seeing things from a new perspective helps… I’m sure not all advice-givers are just happy hearing themselves talk.
I thoroughly agree. (And I thought I was just being cantankerous!) A good listener friend is worth millions in therapy and how-to books. We almost always have the answers inside of us; we just need someone who’ll let us work it out verbally. (I also hate it when someone tells me to “calm down.” This little piece of advice only works to make matters worse, often prompting an uncontrollable urge to give a little slap-therapy to the advice-giver. But that’s another story . . . )