Looking for love in all the wrong places
by tamarjacobson
Femme fatale …
… is one of those labels assigned to me a long time ago. Recently, I was dismayed when I was called that again. For awhile I was silent and then I even tried to defend myself. But soon gave it up. I have spent so much of my life trying to disprove theories, myths and labels that I was given. Femme fatale is just one of them. Lately, for reasons I will not go into here, the phrase repeats itself in my mind. A sure sign that I need to explore this more in depth, and uncover what it means for me.
Since I was a young woman starting to realize my sexuality, I was needy for acknowledgment and validation, and would gratefully go with anyone who would have me, always incredulous that any one could love someone like me. Writing these words renders me immediately vulnerable. What exposure! It would be better for my self image if only I had considered myself a femme fatale. At least it would mean I thought of myself as sexy and dangerous, not pathetic. Marrying a number of times does not mean that I was attractive to men. It meant that I was looking for love in all the wrong places.
It is also interesting for me to reflect that the same people who assigned me that label, also taught me that a woman’s self worth is through her sex appeal. It was such a relief for me to break down those myths and re-socialize myself as a woman, even though it took me until I was well into my forties to understand all that. Indeed, I still struggle with those notions, especially as I age and fear becoming invisible. I have to admit that it was exhausting always trying to be sexually acceptable, for I have never been thin or blond or any of those stereotypes that go with what the dominant culture thinks of as attractive.
And so, I must conclude that people who labeled me femme fatale, must have been insecure about their own sexuality. How could they not be in our cut throat Patriarchal system? Indeed, it had nothing to do with who I am or how I perceive myself. Women are our own worst enemies. If only we would stop wasting time calling each other names and competing for the men in our lives. If only we would, rather, band together interdependently with those men out there. Then, perhaps, we could change all these notions and myths about self-worth and attractiveness, develop our sensuality without shame, and love one another right now.
The only regret that I have is realizing all this at age 58. It is almost as if all that time has been wasted on senseless misery and pain. I hope it is not too late to enjoy my sensuality and sexual worth, without binding my mind to ancient, meaningless labels, even as I enter the gates to the senior realm.
A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Four years ago; & The personality of politics
tamarjacobson 
I think we women find it all too easy to not value our worth other than on the terms marketers keep trying to sell us: physical beauty, sexual appeal, and more — by whose standards? Took me awhile to realize all that, too.
Tess,
Thanks so much for sharing these precious feelings here. I appreciate that very much. I know what you mean about feeling safer with extra weight on the body! I have been thinking about that so much as I try to lose weight and then give up because I feel safer. Have thought just that: hmmm … just like you!
Kay,
Your few words mean a lot … thank you for them. I’m glad if my post gave you an “understanding” moment.
Mary Godwin, Smiles.
Tamar,
What a story about Lou-Anne! Marvellous! Yes indeed, powerful courage to share such feelings. I have found that so much about ridding feelings of shame is being able to spell out of our uncomfortable “stuff.”
Danny,
Yes, I think that the context in which I was labeled a “femme fatale,” it was quite disparaging. However, I do agree with you that it can have different meanings for different people. However, so many of these labels about women are disparaging. Women who enjoy sensuality or exploring their sexuality have traditionally (and sometimes still are) been given derogatory labels.
Not many people are as wide open in their outlook, world-view, beliefs, values etc. as you are! That is precisely why I loved working with you!
This post really resonates with some of my own experience. I’m 53 now, and when I look back on my 20s and early 30s, I realise that I interacted with men only through my attractiveness and sexuality, even if the latter wasn’t always openly expressed.
In some senses, I guess I objectified men just as much as I have hated them doing to women.
I suspect that this early experience is partly behind my substantial mid-life weight gain (well that and an unhealthy relationship with pastries…). When I was younger I was very attractive: with extra weight I am not, and it feels safer. Hmmm.
I think I understand this too well. And that’s all I’m gonna say.
I remember meeting a woman whose name was Lou-Anne, so fittingly southern in this southern place I had recently moved to! She said she had slept with many men not for the sex but to be held. Such honesty. Powerful understanding of self. Of course, she could only formulate and articulate this idea years after she had “recovered” her lost self and esteem. Your post reminded me of all the Lou-Annes within us and outside.
If only … yes, yes, yes!!
Fascinating post. It’s funny how that term “femme fatale” conjures up different things for different people. When I hear it, I just think of the glamorous types like that Rita Hayworth photo on your post and it doesn’t seem at all disparaging. Do you perceive it as meaning a “tease” or someone who is very promiscuous? I think you’re right on with your idea that the people who would label you that are grappling with their own ideas of sexuality and that it has very little to do with you or your actions.