When I was 34
by tamarjacobson
My son is visiting for a week and we have much to catch up on. Walks in the park, listening to his new compositions, learning about the pulse in his music as he composes his new melodies, and remembering his childhood together. He has questions for me and much to tell me about how he is feeling and what he is doing with his life. He is even allowing me to buy him some gifts, so I am ecstatic!
The other evening he wanted to see photographs of what I looked like at age 34 – his current age. Here is one:
Here is another:
Both of us gasped in amazement. "Wow!" he said out loud, and exclaimed in Hebrew, "You were shafa [good looking]." I stared at the pictures through his eyes remembering those times 24 years ago when he was ten and I was at my peak of searching for love. That was a challenging period in my life. He and I have surely survived, somewhat, somehow …
As we reminisced, I couldn’t help but wonder, wistfully, how I have come to look like this:
Of course, to be sure, I am not as anxious and full of angst as I was in those days. I think I even feel safe, in the way that Tess commented about the other day. But, safe shmafe, it cannot be healthy in the long run. I decided to print out this photo where I can see it daily, since Marion and I recently made a pact together that over the next two years we are going to drop all that weight we have gained (she has much less to lose than me). We are just not going to take it with us into our sixties!
tamarjacobson 
Thanks, Neil. I appreciate that coming from you. After all, I know how so many beautiful women *all over the fifty states* fall at your feet!
You looked great at 34. You look great today.
Thank you, Kay. Your words support me as I take me on!
I go by a theory everyone has a weight where they feel good — whether it’s the weight the so-called experts say on the actuarial tables is of no consequence. You look good and you seem to feel good so don’t obsess about it. I like you just the way you are.
Tamar,
Those are wise words of advice and encouragement. I am grateful for them, believe me! Thank you.
Hi Natalie,
Thank you for your kindness. I’m glad we are in this (somewhat) together!
Jean,
Yes, the photo is at a bit of an angle, I must agree. However, it is also quite a realistic picture. I am grateful for your support especially in relation to the concept of my *beauty* at this stage in my life. Your words went straight to my heart and head! I felt good all over. Thanks so much.
Nevertheless, it also felt good to put myself and all my discomfort about size, shape, self-perception – out there for the whole world to see. It makes me feel committed to my health and well-being with you all bearing witness!
Let’s see how it all goes, eh? I feel bouyed up by great blogging friends!
Yes, ay, ay, we should all lose weight! So endlessly hard not to react to stress and busyness by eating badly and not moving enough. But good grief, whilst that last is hardly a hideous photo, it is a particularly unflattering stance and angle. You certainly don’t look that large at all in the flesh, and though I didn’t know you then, I’m pretty sure you’re much more beautiful now than 20 odd years ago, precisely because of the greater ease and self-love you exude.
You looked great then and you look great now, Tamar. But yes, I know what you mean and I too am making those resolutions about getting fit, losing the unwanted flesh etc. It’s just so much harder to stick to these resolutions now!
Perfect to have a friend to share in the goal and in the getting there. And wise to give yourselves time, precious essential time to realize the goal while relearning what the clever monk knew: (is this story apocryphal?) Eat when hungry, sleep when tired.
Another association I have on this topic, and one that does inspire me (in case I think I am getting hefty, which I don’t really do.) I knew a guy (a crazed sort) in DC who had pledged to maintain his ideal weight, which he was on graduating from college. Yearly, on his birthday, he decided that no matter where he had been the preceding year, he’d be at the ideal weight on his birthday. I knew him in his late sixties, and he looked great. A pain in the neck, though that’s another matter. And he wasn’t my husband, mercifully.