tamarjacobson

I awoke this morning realizing that I have my family back. It was a gentle feeling, kind and warm, and very, very peaceful. For the past, many years since I emigrated to the United States and left the family behind, I have been prodding, prying, exploring, delving, and probing deep into those dark shadowy places of my mind to uncover how I came to be who I am today. It was painful. No doubt about it. Confronting unrealistic expectations, uncovering my own story, finding my voice. I fought, cried, kicked and screamed within and without. But in the end was face to face with my self, over and over again. For awhile I pushed all my family members back, withdrew and shut myself out. I simply had to stand alone in order to discover where I began and where each person ended for me. Who was who, why was why, what was what.

These past two weeks, during the illness, my sisters and mother have rallied around me, calling from Israel and England every day to make sure I was all right, and give me comfort from afar. It was amazing for me. Each time I thanked them profusely they would say, "Well, what did you expect?" Each day as I was feeling afraid or sore they would offer to come out to help me and every time they did that I felt safer and safer, stronger and stronger. I realized they are there for me, for each other. They always have been. In my emotional turmoil and self exploration I have been pushing them away with outlandish expectations and blame for my own shortcomings and transgressions. Indeed, in the past, I might not have embraced those calls with the love and gratitude that I did recently. In fact, I realize that I am finally allowing them back in, allowing myself to be a part of my large, diverse, interesting, humorous, fun-loving, complex, loving family.

Of course, all of us have shortcomings. None of us are perfect. We have all done things to each other intentionally and unintentionally that have been hurtful, excluding, or unfair. But, in the end, we are a family and through my mother’s strength and determination, even though some of us are flung far and wide throughout the world, we are all in this together.

Tears fall like rain as I write this. Tears of relief and gratitude for the way they hung in there with me, remained constant and true and full of love if only I would allow it. I have not been easy with my complaints, criticisms and demands. I do not regret the fight I have fought even though I know I have hurt some people here and there, just as I have felt hurt. It was like surgery for me. Psycho-emotional surgery where I had to lift the bandage and get right into the middle of the wound in order for it to heal. What a thought. For I might have to go into a physical surgery after next week’s test results and, how strange, am not feeling as afraid as two weeks ago.

Sometimes, we just have to go right into the middle of the wound in order for it to heal.