From one “inner-most bean” to another

by tamarjacobson

Well, I have been tagged – chain tagged via La Vache and through to Frank – two of my favorite people in that virtual Cyber place beyond the horizon. Am wondering how to uncover seven secrets about myself when I thought I had told everyone everything by now out open in the public much to familial consternations. But the tagging comes at a good time between the completion of five chapters and only two more to blast through before Christmas. A good break. A breather. A meditation of self, self, self … agay…nnnnnnnnn …

So. Here goes:

  1. Fear of heights. Not just a "oh dear look down there," type of fear. A screaming and gasping, losing breath and feeling faint kind of fear. And it seems to be getting worse by the age. Once I got stuck at the top of a not very high water slide and people had to come and save me. How embarrassing was that!
  2. I have been married four times. It still freaks me out to think it. I had always dreamed of being married to the same person forever and having three children in a big house with huge glass windows and sunken living room all looking out over the sea or up at mountains or something. It makes me feel a failure at love, at life, at motherhood, wife hood, person hood. I confront my shame about it often – not on a daily basis any longer – but often.
  3. I had two abortions. Both because I was young and when I was told I had to or he would leave me, I believed him. He was my husband and he told me that having one baby with me was such a bad experience that he could not do it again and if I did he would divorce me then and there. And all along I had thought having the baby together was the most precious and wonderful moment of my life and after he said that I stumbled around the apartment feeling as if I had been punched in my stomach. I never wanted him to leave me but he did anyway – abortions or not. And then, no one around me allowed me to grieve my lost children until years later – far away in America – a grief counselor gave me permission to mourn my heart out. And I grieved and mourned as if my heart was breaking for days and months and into almost two years – and finally understood, too, why I was never loyal to my first husband again.
  4. I don’t know what age 58 feels like because I either feel like 16 or 32 or 64 but never like 58 because I don’t know what it feels like.
  5. I am an atheist but at the same time I am a spiritual person and I don’t really know what that all means except that I stand in awe of nature and feel deeply connected to the human condition, but try as I may, I do not believe there is a god or a God or even a goddess or a Goddess. And I cry: at Ada’s sweetness and gentle nature; when my son plays the piano; at the hawk swooping over the bird feeder seeking out a bird or a squirrel or a chipmunk; when Charlie and Mar-Mar died; when I heard a dear, darling best friend has cancer; when I wasn’t allowed at my Mama’s 90th birthday party; at beautiful music; fantastic acting; strange and weird music or poetry or writing; at loving; at hatred; when a student says or does something wondrous, creative, inspiring or when they share with me a piece of intimacy about their lives; when I part from friends I love; when I part from my son; when I’m angry; when I’m happy and when I am sad; whenever I see my siblings or my mother or Israel after many years of not seeing them; when I interact with infants; after a glass of wine; and I especially cry when the music is booming all around me as I drive over a hill or the leaves are turning exuberantly … I cry, and cry, and cry.
  6. I have groupie tendencies. I tend to adore people and put them up on pedestals and then find out that they are human and become disappointed over and over again. Sometimes I think I will never grow up and then suddenly I grow up again.
  7. I don’t want to die because I cannot imagine ever leaving my son here on earth without me.

I want to tag people but I don’t think too many people read my blog any more; those I would tag have been tagged already; those I might tag would probably not do this … but if you would tag yourself from me, let me know in the comments section so that we can all share in your "inner beans" too.

Oh, and Frank?

Thanks … I think …

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Ah … learning experience