A womb of my own
[Tamarika’s womb, taken June 2008]
The time has come for me to face it.
She has been my enemy for almost 33 years. She has been the source of much of my shame and guilt. And yet, it seems that by almost losing her this past year, I have realized how urgent it is for me to make peace with my womb.
After all, she was home to my son for the first nine months of his development. She nurtured and nourished him, warmed and comforted him, and by transmitting the beat of my heart to him, she gave him his rhythm, his music, and a sense of security that even I, as his mother, could never replicate once he was pushed out from her, and into my arms.
My womb is not to blame for the life choices I made, or felt forced to make, after my darling son was born. My lack of confidence and self-worth was the real source of my shame and guilt, Not my womb. After all, she gave me my sexuality, passion, and intensity through hormones and cycles. Even as she challenged me with becoming an adult or trying to make responsible decisions.
Yes indeed, she is aging right there along with the rest of my body and brain. She deserves my compassion and support. More than that. She deserves my gratitude and forgiveness. It was not her fault that two children were taken from her, coldly and abruptly; or, after all that trauma, she was unable to house others. Indeed, my womb has played a big part of who I am today.
We struggled together this past year, and yesterday we were finally given a reprieve. As I look, long and hard, at the photograph the doctor took of the inside of my womb last Friday, I see a soft, round, warm, vital, alive, moon-like organ. She looks a little scarred and uneven. Perhaps it is the harsh light shining on her, for she is used to being cradled in darkness. She looks quite miraculous to me. I wish I had known more about her when I was young. I might have taken more care with her. Appreciated her more – appreciated me more.
I have work to do – acknowledging a womb of my own. After all, it means accepting my femininity, sexuality and everything that goes with being a woman. This has always been a struggle for me. I find myself face-to-face with the crux, the very core of who I am and how I arrived at this place within – deep within – me. I do not know where it will lead me. It feels exciting to be on a new journey. Like discovering a new path to the Self after wandering in the dark for awhile. There have been one or two other subtle changes that have been stirring within me lately, which have hinted at the new road ahead.
And so … with eyes wider now – excitement fluttering, vision brighter – let the great, renewed exploration-work begin …