The right track

by tamarjacobson

Quote of the day:

Every vacation seems to end with laundry! My friend Donna

Well, what can I say? My life finally feels like it is on the right track. If I choose the path of regret I would be dismayed that it has taken until I am almost 60 to feel this way. On the other hand, when I understand my psychic and emotional development I choose compassion for Self and am ecstatic to finally find my footing.

It has taken an awful lot of grief to find this track. Bidding farewell to people, places, and most importantly the old me – habits of thought, paradigms of style, attitudes and choices. 

Charlie’s death seven years ago had a deep and long lasting effect on me. He was truly the only man friend I have ever had who I loved so well and who loved me so completely unconditionally and constantly, taking care of me even after he died. Lately I have been wondering if I just wanted to die all these years just to be with him again. My health scare this past year was almost like a confirmation for me, a continuation of the desire to be reunited with Charlie – as if my body and soul were saying, “Yes, this is the time, right now, Tamarika. Finally, you will be on your way …” 

And then, miraculously, it seemed, I was given a reprieve. Another chance. And, I think the grief period about my dearest friend is at last coming to an end.

Leaving Buffalo four years ago was traumatic indeed. After 17 years of building up a support system, and profession, it was terrifying to start anew. Indeed, it was during those years in Buffalo that I confronted my inner demons and psychic shadows more thoroughly than I had ever done before. With Bob-the-therapist’s guidance and compassion, I learned to rage and forgive, understand and accept a different version of my Self, leading the way for making peace with my past. I arrived in Philadelphia, lonely and afraid, angry and sad, enshrouded in grief deeper than I had ever known.

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Indeed, Bob had brought me right to the edge of the wall – the barrier to my Self. I was bidding farewell to the old Tamarika of my youth, kicking and screaming within, holding on to her with all of my being, until I could no longer believe that version of me – the image, learned reality, perspective or Truth that had been me. Finally, it just made no sense any longer. Just like Neo in The Matrix, I felt as if I was stretching out my hand, stopping my, perceived, threatening bullets in mid-air. And as they seemingly fell to the ground, so it was that I began to shed all that anger and pain, choosing a new reality of Self.

And then, miraculously, it seemed, I was given a reprieve. Another chance. And, I think the grief period about the old Tamarika of my youth is at last coming to an end.

It is certainly not without regressions, back and forth, in and out of past shadows and fears, ancient wounds and psychic scars. But, somehow I feel as if I have crossed a line, made a large crack in the wall and have found a new track – a different path.

In the end, it really is all about grieving those necessary losses, isn’t it?

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: The walk