This past month, I found myself reaching out, writing to, and, even, sending gifts to two people who have made it abundantly clear that they do not want to have anything to do with me. As I did it, I knew they would never respond. I was not doing it for their reply. I was doing it to feel shunned and excluded – to confirm my belief that I am an undeserving low-life. Wow! What's that all about? Whenever I start to spiral backwards, life partner has the tendency to remind me that, "Hm … perhaps you are approaching feeling successful and happy? Time to punish yourself? Hm …?"
I guess that self alteration work takes time. With every few steps forward, there are those backward steps that creep in unconsciously … but, oh dear …