Self Disclosure

by tamarjacobson

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This past month, I found myself reaching out, writing to, and, even, sending gifts to two people who have made it abundantly clear that they do not want to have anything to do with me. As I did it, I knew they would never respond. I was not doing it for their reply. I was doing it to feel shunned and excluded – to confirm my belief that I am an undeserving low-life. Wow! What's that all about? Whenever I start to spiral backwards, life partner has the tendency to remind me that, "Hm … perhaps you are approaching feeling successful and happy? Time to punish yourself? Hm …?" 

I guess that self alteration work takes time. With every few steps forward, there are those backward steps that creep in unconsciously … but, oh dear …

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… Good grief! I cannot believe I was doing it again! Just after I gave my son a whole huge load of advice about how to break the paradigm of loving, or wanting people who do not want him. And there I was – doing it again – myself: Loving or wanting people who do not want me. 

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I hope my son comes to visit for Thanksgiving. Because I want to make him an offer – that we both break the paradigm together. For, somewhere in his childhood, I fed him my psychic patterns, and he, dutifully, imbibed them. Was it through imitation? Mother's milk? Genes? Observation? Vibes? Who knows. I want to say to him: "Take my advice! I don't use it!"

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All I know is … it is time for both of us to give it up.