To sleep, perchance to dream

by tamarjacobson

Lying in my bed listening to the drip, drip, drip of the coffee machine, hearing the sighs and gentle snores of the sleepers in the house, I suddenly realized what I had been dreaming about. It was amazingly vivid. As clear as those shining, shimmering flashes of light that precede a violent migraine. I snuggled further into my bed, pulling the comforter around up by my ears, stared straight into the dark, soon to be light morning, and visualized each stage of the dream – where I was standing, what I was feeling, how I was shouting. I experienced the anger. It was real, huge. In my dream, I had allowed myself to express the rage forcefully, assertively, and with great confidence. 

Just yesterday on my morning walk I had been thinking about how I hold onto the pounds of weight in my body, when I feel angry or violated. It was clear to me that there was a correlation between the two. I simply eat more, and uncontrollably when I am feeling rage or shame. I hold onto the pounds as if to pad my body with a shield, in defense of all those uncomfortable emotions. The discomfort comes directly from feeling forbidden to express them.

Early this morning, I allowed myself to express anger in my dream – without guilt, without shame. And as I lay quietly in my bed processing all of this, a great sense of calm came over me and I pulled in a long breath and exhaled deeply. I understood the reason behind my migraine a few days ago, as I was driving home from work. I rose to pour myself a cup of coffee, greet a happy-to-see-me Ada, and face the new morning light.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: A letter to commenters