All I want

by tamarjacobson

I have been wracking my brains about what I want for Christmas, trying to come up with things for my wish list, and I have to admit that, this year, my desires have nothing to do with stuff. 

Lately, in therapy, I have been exploring the difference between my feelings and actions. I have rediscovered desires and emotions I seem to have put aside, shoved down under, thinking I might better survive without feeling them. Instead, focusing on what to do about this, that, and the other. Trying so hard to control my behavior and actions, my reactions, and yet, finding again and again that so much is beyond my control. I am learning to let go and allow myself to feel what I feel, want what I want, even if I cannot always have what I want. 

Indeed, I seem to be missing people I love, more than usual, and wishing a whole bunch of everyone would surprise me by just arriving at my door, missing me as much as I miss them, wanting to see me so much that they just … simply … show up … together in my living room for a huge, festive dinner … a pot luck … a hodge podge … of love and family, friends and love all around. 

I must say that in a strange way it is a relief to openly admit that to myself, even if it hurts a bit, rendering me vulnerable as I own the loneliness that those feelings raise within me.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Memoir reflections