The error of my generosity

by tamarjacobson

Quote of the day:

A grown-up can be no [person's] disciple: The most important things that each [person] must learn no one can teach him [her]. Once he [she] accepts this disappointment, he [she] will be able to stop depending on the therapist, the guru, who turns out to be just another struggling human being. Sheldon B. Kopp. (On the back cover)

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I give too much

Or, perhaps, it is that I force my giving when it is not wanted. 

I suddenly remember, when I was in my twenties, a close friend of mine saying to me, "Oh God, don't start raping me with your kindness again," and I did not understand what she meant. I think I understand her now – too late.

Did I do that for my son? [I weep as I realize this] Did I try too hard to compensate for whatever it was I imagined I was doing wrong for him?

I might be starting to understand some of the reasons why I seem to give too much again and again and again … 

  • Anxiety and fear about doing wrong? 
  • Guilt and the need to compensate for my sins? 
  • Needing to be liked and acknowledged?
  • Denying my anger?
  • ?

It is eye opening and startling to think about how much I want to relearn and change about my Self before I become too old to enjoy a different way of doing, seeing, feeling, and experiencing my life. Indeed, it feels exhausting and challenging. 

But fun too …

I watched the squirrels scurrying about under the bird feeder this morning. I had left them quite a lot of food on top of all that snow out there. "How can they get food through all that ice?" I wondered aloud. Life partner smiled. "It sure helps," he said gently, and continued, "Although they have their little squirrel secrets, I'm sure, about how to get their food in the winter."

I thought about what he said. 

Perhaps I just do not trust everyone enough - 
to have their little people secrets about 
how to get their food in the winter
I mean, 
perhaps I just do not have to put that much food 
under the people feeders any more …

Hm … I wonder …