Blogging back …

by tamarjacobson

… or thinking forward …

 
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I realize that blogging was a crucial component of self understanding and alteration these past five and a half years. A way for me to publicly examine my emotional confusion and pain from way back when. Indeed, blogging helped me author two books during that time as well – giving me practical writing experience day in and day out, as well as renewed confidence in the validity of my feelings and experiences.

The recent house move, and past eight months of therapy, bring with them a new era. Awareness and, thus, expression of Self - the likes of which I have not experienced before. Somehow, this has taken away the feeling of urgency, or my need for blogging that I used to have. I am able to hold still with uncomfortable emotions, and feel them within me. Bit by bit, self expression reveals itself in more meaningful conversations with people I care about, or colleagues at work. I become more authentic without fear of repercussion or retaliation.

These past couple of weeks, as I wander alone through our new home, there is a shift in my sense of self-worth. Finally, after decades of hard work, long hours of study, and terrifying financial and emotional struggle and pain, there arises in me an exhilarating feeling that I truly deserve the wide open spaces of this most exquisite house. 

As my wonderful father-in-law described it recently – it befits our [emotional] station. 

Each blog post now becomes for me a sentence or phrase that sums up a moment in time.

It seems that I prefer to share deeper feelings face-to-face …

… perhaps it is because …

… I fear …

… intimacy … 

… less 

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Memoir-abilia