Blinded by the sun

by tamarjacobson

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What is it about vacations that make me anxious until I settle in and then it is time to go? I am able to travel with much more ease all over the world and country when it is for presentations or meetings. And yet, relaxation and pleasure trips are such a challenge for me. Vacations are a change of rhythm and a time to let go of everyday worries and stressors – aren't they? In some ways I feel that expectations are higher when I take a holiday. I feel as if I must know what I want to do each moment, whether it is where to eat, if I want to walk, swim, or just sit and read in the sun. Shouldn't I want to go out and see all sorts of wondrous places and museums rather than sit still and stare for hours at the sea? Sometimes, to ease the pressure, I wait to see what others want to do, and then resent them for not doing what I want! In short, vacations can be nothing short of torture for me. 

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So, this vacation I vowed to enjoy myself. And lo and behold, it is coming to pass. Just learning to chill out with the expectations. Who cares what I do? I am leaving stressors and worries behind, and literally going with the flow. And it isn't too difficult after all. I wonder why it took me so long to realize there are no deadlines, or should's, and if I don't want to sight see – so be it! One thing is for sure. I must soak my toes in the ocean each day. My body and soul need that. I don't care when or how it happens, just that it does. For the rest … well, each moment I will allow me to find out what my heart desires. 

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Just one more thing. Guilt. Or as one therapist I knew many years ago described it: "The big 'G'!" What do I do with that? For it creeps in at all different times during a really pleasurable vacation. It slips into my brain just when I am letting down my guard as I start to enjoy myself. It comes in the form of worrying about "those poor little kittens back home," or, "how hard the housekeeper woman has to work for so little pay, to clean my bathroom as I decadently lounge about the swimming pool slurping away at mango-passion-fruit type smoothies." Sometimes, guilt makes me weep with gratitude that a poor slob like me is fortunate enough to be enjoying her life as much as I do. "What did I do to deserve such kindness from the Universe?" I wonder pathetically.

Ah – that insidious of all feelings – Guilt!

I look up from writing this post and notice sunshine streaming into our elegant hotel room – diaphonous drapes waving softly with a cool breeze as rays shimmer through the fabric, shedding circular beams on the bed, up to the ceiling, and around the carpet with glorious patterns of light. 

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A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Seven year itch