tamarjacobson

My morning list about giving another option:

• Another way of thinking.
• A different perspective.
• An alternate reality.
• A different truth.
• Another belief.
• New ideas.
• Different ways to solve problems.
• Another way of understanding.
• Conflicting emotions.
• Survival meets reality.
• Looking back and thinking forward.
• Gathering up the pieces.
• Exploring what we know against what we have learned.
• Breaking down walls.
• Rolling aside boulders.
• Chipping away at old paradigms.
• Changing the emotional script.
• Developing a new self-image.
• Opening my eyes.
• Taking off the sunglasses.
• Clearing away the clutter.
• Independent thought
• New ways for self expression
• Cognitive dissonance
• Clearing the view
• My survival affects how I hear you

The hardest part of self alteration is when my survival meets reality. For, as a young child, I learned to survive by repressing feelings, needs, and being ashamed or felt undeserving for having them – even to doubt that I had them at all! Now, as an adult, I am faced with a different reality. That is, I am deserving, and my feelings and needs are valid. And yet, shame and doubt still flies up in the face of my fear for survival. 

More and more I am able to face my shame and doubt with less and less fear. For years I felt as if I was up against an impenetrable wall. Lately, I realize I have been chipping away at that metaphorical wall, and, somehow, have turned it into a mere boulder in the middle of the road. I have been able to climb over, or maneuver myself around the boulder, and still it stands there – like a large, heavy lump, in my path. 

These past couple of months, I have moments – almost like a revelation – when I feel as if the boulder has been rolled aside, and the way forward is clear and free. I sense feelings of peace, and freedom, almost as if I could fly away. 

For me, education (and therapy) is about giving or receiving another option – cognitive and/or emotional. This morning, I am grateful for both: education and therapy.