Breaking the armor

by tamarjacobson

Quote of the day:

I think a lot of people at some point leave behind their conditioning and examine fundamental myths they've been taught. Susan Sarandon

Lately it feels as if the armor is breaking up and floating away piece by piece. Defense mechanisms and survival skills I learned as a child and youth are starting to crumble the more I find them to be unnecessary for my life as an adult here and now. For a long while I felt safer hiding inside the cocoon, behind the armor, or protected by some kind of invisible shield. But then it started to feel like I was carrying around a burden – a heavy weight, filled with fear and guilt, shame and anxiety that bore no relevance to the reality of my life and who I have become now. I have been chipping away at it for sometime now, and the absurdity of carrying it all around has overcome my need to hold onto it. 

Yesterday, as I stood out in the yard in the pale, warm sun raking away old winter leaves and exposing the beginning tips of spring bulbs in the garden, I had the strangest sensation of pieces of armor breaking free from protecting my Self, and they were flying away out and up from different angles and spaces. Almost as if an invisible shield was being penetrated by points of light. 

There is a crack, a crack in everything 
That's how the light gets in. 
That's how the light gets in. 
That's how the light gets in. Leonard Cohen

I must say it is a strange sensation feeling me in the world differently than how I was taught to see me.