Falling in

by tamarjacobson

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Bearing, as a gift, seeds that fly away all over the garden. Isn't that what we do with our own children? – bear them as gifts, who fly away all over the world, rerooting themselves over and over again perpetuating our species on and on …

Autumn is here. I felt it in the air this morning as I walked out to greet the plants, shrubs and trees, inspecting each leaf or flower examining how the change of season was affecting them. I breathed in deeply as if to draw it all into my lungs, and my precious veins whose blood pressure is starting to simmer down and find its normal pace – finally. For a moment it felt quite peaceful. Days of reflecting into atonement and penitence for all this past year's wonderings and misdeeds are upon me. 

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I feel the presence of these days of awe more than ever this year, as the past couple of months have been truly, emotionally stormy. My former Buffalo therapist used to encourage me to fall into the emotional abyss I feared – and lately, I took the plunge. Falling in, I have discovered all my childhood fears – starkly – powerfully – staring me directly in my face – nothing left for me to do but confront them head and heart on. Sometimes weeping with fear, at others laughing out loud with exhilaration to realize I have survived! Most of it happening during my brisk, long morning walks.

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I am not sure that I have reached a point where I am able to embrace my fears with compassion and acceptance. Perhaps I could resolve to work toward that this coming year. For there is no going back now that I have allowed myself to develop this deep of an understanding.

Things just don't look the same any more.

Integration is key now. Drawing in the ancient fears, and combining them with my new found confidence and faith in me, all the while appreciating the strength and courage it has taken to survive. 

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Companions