Anniversary

by tamarjacobson

This morning I remembered that I have been writing this blog for a decade, and as I reread some of the posts written these past ten years, I realize the theme has been constant: Deciphering behaviors, interactions and feelings, and understanding the emotional script I developed about myself since I was a child.

In a blog post about "rewriting my script" a year ago, I did not realize how challenging it would be in practice. Awareness is one of the first steps toward any kind of change. But, with awareness comes an awakening of emotions I had held in check for a long time – repressing feelings that as a child were dangerous to express, or even to experience. 

As I look back over this past year I see that the more I have been allowing myself to feel some of those hidden emotions, the more my indoctrinated brain has done all kinds of antics as it tried to warn me of imminent danger. What a conflict! Experiencing the feelings are almost always accompanied by fear, or uncontrollable weeping at unexpected moments. For example, a couple of days ago we were having breakfast in our favorite restaurant. I noticed a small child sitting between her parents. She was alert and curious, her eyes searching the room as all the while she babbled to them as if reporting what she was seeing. I could not take my eyes off her. Her father was quick to respond and engaged her in gentle conversations. At one point he took her on his lap and they gazed into each others eyes lovingly. Suddenly I felt an overwhelming sense of loss and longing as I realized I had not experienced those kinds of interactions when I was a child, and felt the lack of being loved like that deep within. Tears streamed down my cheeks uncontrollably surprising me as if coming out of nowhere. Emotional pain was unbearable for those few moments. Shortly after that brief cathartic experience I felt angry that I was robbed of my childhood. I experienced a whirlwind of emotion, which passed as quickly as it came, leaving me feeling both released and empowered. There was no need to express any of it openly to anyone, nor did I want to act on it. Just allowing myself to feel the feelings was a revelation. 

As I become aware of my emotional life script, and allow myself to feel repressed childhood emotions, there is no turning back. It's real, and yes, I am actually gradually moving out of the darkness and into the light. What a sensation.

Of course, my psychological journey is nowhere near over, but the foundation on which to continue my uncoveries feels solid. And so at this juncture all I want to say is: happy 10th blogaversary to me.