tamarjacobson

[Click on the photographs to enlarge …]

One thing I did a lot of this past week is eat! Me oh my, how I love the breakfasts in Israel. I seem to eat as if I am quelling not only the physical need for sustenance, but my emotional hunger as well. Filling those cracks and crevices of loneliness from living in the United States without my family all these past 22 years. 

Quenching the yearning of all my senses: for sunshine, abundance of spring flowers around Pesach time, the sweet, pungent scents of blooming orange blossoms, and aquamarine colors of the mediterranean sea. 

I soaked in the moments we all came together, loving each and every family member, excited to see and feel us all in the same room. It was a great healing for me to be with everyone, to feel belonging, and an individual in my own right, at one and same time. Close enough to feel loved and included, and detached enough to observe each and every one of us as who we are, and how we have all become to be the people we are today.

We gathered in celebration of our mother's 93rd birthday …

… all five siblings together in one room after, who knows, perhaps more than 30 years? I realized what a courageous and loving family we all are. Each person with their own unique ways of expressing emotions, choosing their life's work and passions, and all fiercely loving, devoted, and caring about their own children and families. I felt pride in our mother, standing tall behind us as life partner tried to take our family picture, just an hour or so before our return to Philadelphia.

Here are a few of the outtakes as L.P. tried to gather all of us together:

And, finally, here are we – the five sibs. What can I say? I could not stop smiling. 

I write this with tears of longing in my study back home in Philadelphia, and yet I know that each and every one of my sisters and brothers reside deeply in my heart and emotional memory. They are all a part of me, and I a part of them.

Tonight, we head East. 
Middling East. 
Large family awaits with 
much to celebrate.  

Siblings gathering,
all together –
the first time in over two decades.

For, it is Happy Ninety-Third birthday time for our mother! 

I think I will take my new haircut with me …

I hope you will all be here when I return …
… for it could take a week or so …

Happy Spring Break to all those who have one, like me …

Quote of the day:

When I first suggested to [her] that I could convert, it was the same sensation as I had when you used to throw a blanket over me on the couch … then coming to the services was like a space of freedom for the length of the service … a time when I could remember myself … [Anna, chatting with me this morning on Facebook]

Once, my step-daughter said to me that she loved to be sick at my house when she was a child, because I would cover her with a blanket on my couch. 

About 9 years ago I wrote my mother a letter of admiration, gratitude, and love, and she replied:

This letter is meant to be an answer to an overwhelming letter that you sent me … there have been many times in my life that I felt like I was standing alone on the top of a cold mountain with very strong winds roaring around … but now your letter has made me feel a warm soft blanket wrapped around me and great security …

I realize this morning that these days, I need to throw a blanket over my Self. 

As Sheldon Kopp says: Learn to forgive yourself again and again and again and again …

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Moving on … ?

The stirrings of a new day in early March. Snow on the ground but the birds are singing fiercely. I think that Spring might be on its way.

Talking to my family this morning, planning the upcoming reunion, which is happening for us all next week in far away lands, I become excited. 

Renewal is in the air.

Update:

Transcribed recordings of things I said into my IPhone Voice Memos App. early this morning as I drove to work – sun shining, snow melting, and roads clear of traffic:

Early childhood education for me is not about whether I am a good parent or not – no! – it is about what I know now after experience and education – what is good for very young children. That's what it's about – oh yeah!

Well, I once had a dream. I dreamed I'd take my son and me and we'd go to America and make a new life – full of hope and promise and opportunity. [sigh] – and I think the dream has been realised for me … The dreams I had for me and my child are just for me. My child has to make his own dreams.

Quote of the day:

Write about it, talk about it, walk about it … just don't eat about it. Me, today … thinking about it on the way out of Starbucks this morning.

My colleague tells me a story about a young Asian student who told her she did not ever want to have children. When my colleague asked the student what made her say that, the student declared, "I never want to do something that I would not get right!"

I wonder at the arrogance of me ever thinking I could get it right.

In like a lion!

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Bony white fingers (Update)

Quote of the day:

A grown-up can be no [person's] disciple: The most important things that each [person] must learn no one can teach him [her]. Once he [she] accepts this disappointment, he [she] will be able to stop depending on the therapist, the guru, who turns out to be just another struggling human being. Sheldon B. Kopp. (On the back cover)

I give too much. 

Or, perhaps, it is that I force my giving when it is not wanted. 

I suddenly remember, when I was in my twenties, a close friend of mine saying to me, "Oh God, don't start raping me with your kindness again," and I did not understand what she meant. I think I understand her now – too late.

Did I do that for my son? [I weep as I realize this] Did I try too hard to compensate for whatever it was I imagined I was doing wrong for him?

I might be starting to understand some of the reasons why I seem to give too much again and again and again … 

• Anxiety and fear about doing wrong? 
• Guilt and the need to compensate for my sins? 
• Needing to be liked and acknowledged?
• Denying my anger?
• ?

It is eye opening and startling to think about how much I want to relearn and change about my Self before I become too old to enjoy a different way of doing, seeing, feeling, and experiencing my life. Indeed, it feels exhausting and challenging. 

But fun too …

I watched the squirrels scurrying about under the bird feeder this morning. I had left them quite a lot of food on top of all that snow out there. "How can they get food through all that ice?" I wondered aloud. Life partner smiled. "It sure helps," he said gently, and continued, "Although they have their little squirrel secrets, I'm sure, about how to get their food in the winter."

I thought about what he said. 

Perhaps I just do not trust everyone enough - 
to have their little people secrets about 
how to get their food in the winter. 
I mean, 
perhaps I just do not have to put that much food 
under the people feeders any more …

Hm … I wonder … 

Quote of the day:

… And remember, too, you can stay at home, safe in the familiar illusion of certainty. Do not set out without realizing that the way is not without danger. Everything good is costly, and the development of the personality is one of the most costly of all things. It will cost you your innocence, your illusions, you certainty. Sheldon B. Kopp. (Page 10)

I have been reading Kalilily Time recently, where I learned of: If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him! The Pilgrimage of Psychotherapy Patients. 

I am so glad I found this little book – small in size, but not in value of content. 

I especially adore many entries in the partial register of what Kopp describes as his eternal truths (Page 223):

1. This is it!
2. There are no hidden meanings.
3. You can't get there from here, and besides there's no place else to go.
4. We are all already dying, and we will be dead for a long time.
5. Nothing lasts.
6. There is no way of getting all you want.
7. You can't have anything unless you let go of it.
8. You only get to keep what you give away.
9. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things.
10. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune.
11. You have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless.
12. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning.
13. You don't really control anything.
14. You can't make anyone love you.
15. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else.
16. Everyone is, in his [her] own way, vulnerable.
17. There are no great men [or women].
18. If you have a hero, look again: you have diminished yourself in some way.
19. Everyone lies, cheats, pretends (yes, you too, and most certainly I myself).
20. All evil is potential vitality in need of transformation.
21. All of you is worth something, if you will only own it.
22. Progress is an illusion.
23. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions breed new problems.
24. Yes it is necessary to keep on struggling toward solution.
25. Childhood is a nightmare.
26. But it is so very hard to be an on-your-own, take-care-of-yourself-cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.
27. Each of us is ultimately alone.
28. The most important things, each man [or woman] must do for himself.
29. Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
30. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that's all there is.
31. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it.
32. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge.
33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data.
34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do.
35. No excuses will be accepted.
36. You can run but you can't hide.
37. It is most important to run out of scapegoats.
38. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness.
39. The only victory lies in surrender to oneself.
40. All of the significant battles are waged within the self.
41. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences.
42. What do you know … for sure … anyway?
43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again …

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Early morning

Quote of the day:

Whether by synchronicity or coincidence, sometimes timing is everything. My DVD order of This Emotional Life arrived, and I have been watching it all weekend. Just at the time that my therapy is kicking in. Indeed, I am starting to get it. That is, to understand what my therapist is talking about. 

This morning I wrote about some of what I am learning in an email to a close family member:

… I have been working hard in my therapy lately and have discovered, to my surprise (surprise because after all these years of therapy I can find something new about myself !!!) – that I fear feeling anger. It's not the expression of it that I fear as much as the feeling of it …

As I watch the PBS special, I hear time and again that it helps to confront difficult feelings and earlier emotional memories not necessarily to be cured but, rather, in order to manage them in healthier, happier ways. It amazes me that even though I know this stuff – indeed, I have been writing about it myself for years – it feels new and different, and cuts deeper into my own emotional issues. 

Indeed, I realize more and more, that it is precisely because it is so difficult for me that I research and write about it so much. For I am discovering, to my surprise and amazement, all the ways I use to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions – namely, anger. 

Avoidance of these feelings is big, but denial of them for me is huge. 

So, lately I tread gingerly, with very small steps, and am starting to notice twinges, itches, rumblings, murmurs, whispers, shadows, … hints at angry-type feelings. They are coming out in the form of headaches, muscle spasms, hunger, teeth clenching, burning eyes, or vivid dreams. My body surely knows they are there! With help and support in the safe confines of my therapist's room, my mind is starting to pull out the feelings for me to examine in the open. One of the aspects of all this that I like so much, is that I do not need to react to the anger or express it to anyone. The beauty of it is that once I allow myself to feel it for myself, understand and examine it, I can put it aside and have a wonderful, peaceful day. 

I think that, perhaps, I might be allowing myself to really deal with it … finally … for the first time?

Regrets … I've had a few …

http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x8rhyi

Ah the joys of becoming 60. 

Much of it has to do with looking back and thinking forward, sifting out the regrets and learning how to forgive myself. The process is not easy. Indeed, it is often quite painful. Although clearing away the mind-clutter, and realizing different realities sometimes becomes both exhilarating and comforting.

For example, when I was young I thought all I would need to do is love my son unconditionally. This was paramount for me. Whatever we would go through as a family, whatever he would go through growing up, all he would need from me was my emotional support to accept him as he was. Now I realize that was not enough. 

My child also needed so much more to grow, develop and thrive. 

He needed:

• Parents with self-esteem, confidence and self-worth.
• His mother to have known how to choose a strong, stable life partner – a role model – one who would love and respect me, be my best friend, and stand by us as a family through thick and thin. 
• Clear boundaries – for me and for him.
• Support from extended family.
• Money!

There has to be more to that list, I am sure. More that I will uncover as I explore my regrets further. 

I surely cannot fix all that has gone before. I am acutely aware of that lately. For awhile I felt shame, and wondered how I had the right to teach students or make keynote speeches about child development and rearing. 

However, as I grapple with regrets, and learn to forgive my past, I sense that not only have I knowledge and experience to offer others, but that the more I share what I know, the more I learn about me.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Treadmill reflections

Quote of the day (from CCIE):

All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without benefit of experience. Henry Miller.

While sipping my first cup of coffee this morning, I had to laugh when I read that quote. "Have all my acts been spontaneous and unpremeditated without benefit of experience?" I wondered. Some of the biggest ones. Indeed, some even felt as if there was no choice other than to act! Although in a moment of self criticism, I might call those types of acts "impulsive" rather thanspontaneous. Do any of us have the benefit of experience in decisions we make about the future? After all, the future, by virtue of being in the future, is unknown. And sometimes we become cautious and guarded based on previous experience, when the past has no relation or bearing on future actions anyway. For once there has been a first time, can there ever be that particular first time again? Each time after will be different, unique, connected to that moment in time, related to different sets of people, always within a slightly changing context.

So, I wonder, "What good is experience anyway?"

Update:

Some reflections on the subject from my friend Marion this morning:

Your comments about "experience" and the "future" remind me of Magda Gerber, an infant educator, who once said (not a direct quote but pretty close), "we raise children with the knowledge of the past which is absurd since we cannot possibly prepare them for a future which we know nothing about. So if we accept the absurdity of that, is there anything we can give them that is good for their unknown future?" … And the answer (from Magda) is Respectful interactions.

It's such a simple concept but we screw this up a lot of the time. I guess my answer to your question would be (from my experiences of course), experience is a personal growth catalyst/change agent that is individually encountered. Depending on the type of experience encountered the benefits seem maximized, or the obstacles minimized, when it occurs without interference or intervention from others (unless of course it is potentially harmful or life threatening). The more we are asked to interpret our experiences through the scripts of others, the less authentic or true to ourselves we become.