tamarjacobson

Mother to Son

Well, son, I'll tell you: 
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair. 
It's had tacks in it, 
And splinters, 
And boards torn up, 
And places with no carpet on the floor— 
Bare. 
But all the time 
I'se been a-climbin' on, 
And reachin' landin's, 
And turnin' corners, 
And sometimes goin' in the dark 
Where there ain't been no light. 
So, boy, don't you turn back. 
Don't you set down on the steps. 
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard. 
Don't you fall now— 
For I'se still goin', honey, 
I'se still climbin', 
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

Langston Hughes

Waking up this morning earlier than usual. I do not know what I had been dreaming, but as I lay in bed, for some reason I found myself thinking about the poem by Langston Hughes (above). Many years ago, a dear friend of mine read it aloud at a staff meeting, dedicating it to me, and I have kept it close by ever since. 

So many life experiences confirmed or solidified misconceptions or perceptions that I had developed as a child, translating or interpreting other people's views and experiences for my own. Now, as I enter my sixtieth year, and think about writing a chapter in the new book I am editing: Perspectives in Gender for Early Childhood, I am trying to summarize what I know, or, rather, what is my reality, about how I became a woman. 

For me, becoming a woman has been hard work. And, believe me, it is not over yet! For, aging seems to change and challenge my understanding, expectations, and ideas about what it means to be a woman day by day, sometimes moment by moment. Developing my gender identity has been complex, including relationships with the significant men in my childhood, as well as watching and learning from my mother and sisters as I was growing up – later, being influenced by teachers and peers, the media, and, finally, from reading feminist literature.

At this stage, I am just not sure what I feel about what being a woman means for me. Beauty and sexuality are so defined by the myths and stereotypes of society and the media, that I am never sure where I fit in, if I fit in, how to fit in. A few years ago, a young friend taught me, in the most direct and honest way possible, how to accept my age. "You've had your chance!" she exclaimed. And so, I have been trying to work towards beauty in wisdom, or the maturity of inner beauty – aging like a fine wine – whatever all of that means!  

Of course, none of this will matter when I am dead! But, in the mean time I feel very much alive and kicking, and I think that being a woman means being sexy and wise, vibrant and compassionate, intelligent and strong, emotional and insightful, observant and accepting, assertive and direct, spunky and vocal, inclusive and considerate, fearful and wistful, reflective and withdrawn, weepy and courageous, feisty and fearless, in-confidence and out of confidence, humorous and morose, elegant and gracious, mussed up and wild, raucous and loud, young and old, lively and tired … all things and everything … but, mostly … true to oneself.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Apple addiction

Quote of the day:

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals.
Our founding fathers faced with perils that we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations.
Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake.
And so, to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and we are ready to lead once more. Barack Obama, January 20, 2009

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness. Barack Hussein Obama, January 20, 2009

Quote of the day

It feels like being in a storm of wonderfulness. Life partner

Quote of the day

What is required is a new declaration of independence, not just in our nation, but in our own lives – from ideology and small thinking, prejudice and bigotry – an appeal not to our easy instincts but to our better angels. Barack Obama, 10:00 a.m. today

Quote of the day

In her Exchange article, "The Spirit of Adult Play" Bonnie Neugebauer observes that many must relearn the joys of playfulness. To do so, she suggests, they must be willing to spend freely, to squander, to waste (if you will), to be extravagant with their:

Time — Play must exist in a context of timelessness. The process is valued beyond the outcome of the play, so it must be possible to continue the experience across blocks of time, even across days and weeks. The play must find its own end, just as it found its own beginning….

Sense of Self — Play requires that one forget oneself. If self-conscious about their play, about how others will view either their play or the products of their play, children and adults are crippled. Their play is distorted by other consciousness.

Sense of Order — Play demands a certain amount of chaos. There must be room for using things and doing things in new ways. Play equipment and space must be flexible to meet the changing needs of the players. There must be storage for uncompleted play, and respect for unfinished spaces. Players require a degree of uncertainty and support for taking risks. Play is nurtured when there is no labeling of wrong and right. 

Joy — Play without enjoyment is just plain hard work. Players need to laugh, and boast, and practice. There are many choices to be made, and each is a challenge. Play brings out the best in each of us. [From CCIE]

Trying to please my mother was like having a stone around my heart.

Quote of the day

Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives. Viktor Frankl (From CCIE)

Where do I begin to think about how I developed my identity as a woman? Well, I guess I have to think about it. For I have been contracted to edit a book about gender and early childhood, and the time has arrived for my contribution: an introduction and a chapter. Those of you who know my previous work will not be surprised to hear that my chapter will be an exploration of how one's feelings and experiences about becoming a woman (or a man, depending on who is reading it) affect teacher interactions with children in classrooms, specifically related to gender identity. Quite naturally, I have been thinking about this topic quite a bit of late. I have not written much about gender identity though – not in my private journal, nor on this blog. It is a subject that causes me not a small amount of discomfort. For, it is directly related to my own feelings of self-worth, self-perception, notions about my sexuality, and fears of intimacy. Indeed, it exposes me to my deepest shadows and vulnerabilities. For it is at the very core of my being. The foundation of who I am and how I interact with the world – personally and professionally. My gender identity affects my entire world view, and is directly related to feelings of empowerment or powerlessness. 

For example, most recently I have been participating in some very important meetings. Early on, I realized that surrounded by scholarly older-than-me type men, I immediately felt like an eight year old child, and became intimidated to the point of paralyzed silence. Indeed, I felt like an idiot, and was terrified to voice any opinion. After the first meeting, I shared these realizations with female colleagues, who, although expressed dissimilar feelings, were most understanding and accepting of mine. At the following meetings, with awareness of my emotional issues attuned and available, I was able to overcome my discomfort and, thus, participate, making contributions that were professional and productive.

I became a feminist late in my life. Only about sixteen years ago – the latter third of my life. In fact, I wrote about that back in April, 2007. The patriarchal system was deeply ingrained in me and I still have to work very hard at shedding those insidious and destructive beliefs. Lately, as I finally allow myself to open up to love, I notice all kinds of complicated and complex feelings. For example, how my self worth was always tied up in looking pretty, or being attractive or sexy – whatever all these things mean. In other words, a dominant male view was the one I sought out or felt was all important and meaningful. I tried to match my self worth against all of those preconceived notions, and always found myself lacking – never taking myself seriously. The belief that I must constantly sacrifice my Self for a "Him" was honorable and all consuming. 

Finding my voice and changing my understanding of reality is relatively new for me. Only in the last five to seven years actually. Most of the time I feel like a fledgling with shaky legs and flimsy, wet wings trembling and anxious to fly. There are moments when I do, indeed, fly accompanied by a song, which is strong, firm and real. And, I must admit it is exciting for me to realize that right after such flights, I fall much less often, into my ancient abyss of childhood shame and guilt.

Perhaps now I will have the courage to explore this topic further. It is strange how I always seem to consider giving up blogging right before I approach confronting the uncomfortable. I think some might call that: resistance?

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Good luck!

Living within the
moment of my reality; 
Without announcement

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Where to now (Update)?

"Fun to look back as well as forward … " Nelle Jacobson

Official induction ceremonies of one kind and another at Deception Pass.

Haiku

Quote of the day

Who needs the static/it hurts the head/and you wind up cracking/and the day goes dismal – Joni Mitchell

On the other hand … May You Stay Forever Young …

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: New Year's Day in New Brunswick