tamarjacobson

Looking back and thinking forward

Category: Uncategorized

December 6, 2008

Holiday time begins

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Remember those Obama cookies? Well, today I finally met Amy, one of the owners of The Night Kitchen Bakery. Life Partner and I stopped by to order holiday cookies for the party we are planning next Saturday. 

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It was a great day all in all. After stopping off at the bakery, we bought our tree and a new red and gold embossed skirt to wrap around its base. For now, the little fir is settling into its corner, drinking water and reaching its branches out into the warmth of our room. And tomorrow will be trim-the-tree time. 

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December 6, 2008

From the *real* Bill Ayers

Quote of the day

Demonization, guilt by association, and the politics of fear did not triumph, not this time. Let’s hope they never will again. And let’s hope we might now assert that in our wildly diverse society, talking and listening to the widest range of people is not a sin, but a virtue.

Oh – and, of course I had to comment in the comment section:

December 06, 2008 5:34 am
I am so pleased to hear from the *real* Bill Ayers and most 
grateful to the New York Times for printing this piece. It was 
the most painful part of the election for me to see Bill Ayers' 
name dragged through hateful hysteria, for his work and life 
experiences have served as models for me in the work I do. I 
wish Bill Ayers and his dear family a peaceful and 
happy holiday season. Indeed, I have been holding 
them in my thoughts for months.

— Tamar Jacobson, Philadelphia

1 Comment
December 5, 2008

Memoir reflections

When I write my memoir, I want to talk about the loves of my life. There is much to process, and what better way to do it than by writing through it. 

Recently, I was thinking about my third husband who, about a year or so after our divorce in our last ever conversation, said to me pityingly "Do you still have only one coat?" I knew what he meant, the instant he said it, because I have never felt deserving of possessing more than one coat. Such an expensive item! Why would I ever need more than that? However, I was surprised that he had thought about that during the fours years we were together. I guess we can never know what another person is thinking unless they tell us! And vice versa, of course.

These past couple of months I have rectified the coat situation considerably. I wish I could tell him that. Indeed, I just purchased myself a Parka and a rain coat! You see, almost a year ago, life partner bought me a gorgeously warm winter coat, and I have enjoyed feeling warm, comfortable, and even looking good in it. I must admit that it makes me feel worthy of being loved. Deep and complex feelings just about a coat! But then, again, lately I have been feeling more and more deserving of all sorts of feelings and things than ever before in my life. And so, psychological connections are being made. Now, I am allowing myself a separate coat for different situations. And, I am doing this all by myself without counsel or advice from anyone else. Just simply, while browsing through catalogs, I discover coats that I would like to wear for different occasions, and allow myself to buy them.

There is much more to be said on the subject of deserving, and past loves in my life. It is complex because it involves me thinking about my sexuality, intimate relationships, what I have learned or know about loving someone, and certainly what I think or thought I was or am worthy of. The stories have started to rise up within my brain and unravel out. Yes indeed, the process of memoir reflections has begun.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: From one "inner-most-bean" to another
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December 1, 2008

As in: mental health

Quote of the day

And it [blogging] clearly serves a positive function for me – not just the therapeutic value of pouring out said sorrows, but also the positive effort required to make sentences, paragraphs, take photographs. It brings me out of myself as much as it allows me to go in. Says my friend, Jean in an email to me today.  

Checking out Twitter this morning, I found an update from Andy about a meme that is apparently traveling the Internet lately: 

Five things I do that help me keep mentally well.
Although I am not aware of the rules about how and what and who to tag and such, it sounded like something I felt like thinking about. Mental health is of paramount importance to me, as I am sure that most of the readers, who stop by here, know by now. Plus, Andy described in his Twitter update that he could only come up with two – which gave him pause to reflect further. For me, that became an instant challenge to myself.

So, here goes: Five things I do that help me keep mentally well.
  • Number one: Self alteration work in any form that I can – therapy, journaling, group therapy, bibliotherapy … 
  • Number two: Reading – mainly non-fiction, but lately I am enjoying reading memoirs and learning about other people's lives. It feels almost like participating in group therapy or support group work.
  • Number three: Walking, practicing yoga daily, and especially pranayama [breathing type meditation exercise].
  • Number four: Opening myself to loving – life partner, son, cat, friends, nature, humankind, work, students, colleagues – life! This has developed over the years through deep, tough, excruciating self alteration work and by allowing myself to feel angry, and, thus able to forgive.
  • Number five: Most important of all. I have learned to separate myself out from other people's deeds, behaviors, or words, and realize my own reality.
In conclusion, I must add number six: Blogging. Writing this meme. Expressing myself out there to the Universe – the Cyber space community – because, as Jean says: It brings me out of myself as much as it allows me to go in.
4 Comments
November 30, 2008

The *Season* begins, November ends.

Visiting Longwood Gardens yesterday with Gilad and Tom, who snapped the shots:

Livetree

A tree created from flowers

Loneskater

Professional ice skater, swirling and twirling to Ave Maria

Iceskating

All three skaters.

Cranberries

Christmas display – pond of floating cranberries.

Datetamar
 

"Look," she pointed, "That's me! A date palm is Tamar in Hebrew!"

Dinner

Dining at the Longwood Gardens Terrace Restaurant. Even the dinner rolls are "grown" in pots. Bon appetit!

And when I took Gilad to the airport today, there was no NBC10 to film our departure.
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November 29, 2008

To sleep, perchance to dream

Lying in my bed listening to the drip, drip, drip of the coffee machine, hearing the sighs and gentle snores of the sleepers in the house, I suddenly realized what I had been dreaming about. It was amazingly vivid. As clear as those shining, shimmering flashes of light that precede a violent migraine. I snuggled further into my bed, pulling the comforter around up by my ears, stared straight into the dark, soon to be light morning, and visualized each stage of the dream – where I was standing, what I was feeling, how I was shouting. I experienced the anger. It was real, huge. In my dream, I had allowed myself to express the rage forcefully, assertively, and with great confidence. 

Just yesterday on my morning walk I had been thinking about how I hold onto the pounds of weight in my body, when I feel angry or violated. It was clear to me that there was a correlation between the two. I simply eat more, and uncontrollably when I am feeling rage or shame. I hold onto the pounds as if to pad my body with a shield, in defense of all those uncomfortable emotions. The discomfort comes directly from feeling forbidden to express them.

Early this morning, I allowed myself to express anger in my dream – without guilt, without shame. And as I lay quietly in my bed processing all of this, a great sense of calm came over me and I pulled in a long breath and exhaled deeply. I understood the reason behind my migraine a few days ago, as I was driving home from work. I rose to pour myself a cup of coffee, greet a happy-to-see-me Ada, and face the new morning light.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: A letter to commenters
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November 27, 2008

Time for the feast …

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Well. It has been fun counting down to Thanksgiving Day. While I wrote only five count-down posts, these past five days had me thinking about everything and everyone I am thankful for. It has been a great exercise. First of all it had me waking up every morning wondering what I would be writing about in my blog. It reminded me of the good old days when I began blogging, and had so much to say that I would be writing at least once, sometimes twice a day. Second, I realized that I have much to be thankful for. There were days when I found it difficult to focus on only one thing or person for my gratitude post. I probably could have spent many more days writing about all that I am thankful for. Third, it made me happy, hopeful, and optimistic. Reflecting on gratitude inevitably brings up really good feelings along with, in some cases, the pain of healing and forgiveness. It makes me feel that, all in all, my life is good. And how strange. Just as I am writing this post, I receive my daily email newsletter from Child Care Information Exchange, and apparently there is research that says gratitude is good for your health. I'll give thanks to that!

Finally, as luck would have it, yesterday as I was putting the finishing touches on chicken soup and chocolate cake in preparation for my son's arrival, he called from Boston airport to say that he had been bumped up to an earlier flight – on first class no less! I threw off the T-shirt full of flour and parsley clippings, donned an old sweat suit and flew off top-speed to the airport. As I was sitting there waiting excitedly to meet Gilad, a young fellow approached me. He just happened to be a cameraman from our local NBC10. When he asked if he could film our "reunion," I said, "Sure!"

So, check out this video clip. The advertisement at the beginning takes a few seconds, and if you wait until the last bit you will see me greeting my son at the Philadelphia airport yesterday. What fun! (Oh, and if the advertisement jams or freezes up on you? Just refresh your screen and all will be well …)

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate, and thanks to all those people, silent or commenting, who stopped by these past six days to share in my gratitude. Happy feasting!

4 Comments
November 26, 2008

Internet interactions

Gratitude abounds for my Cyber connections, on this my fifth day of count down to Thanksgiving. This includes blogging, Facebook, Twitter, or net-surfing in general.

Indeed, ever since I started blogging in January 2005, my life has changed. For starters it is as Frank Paynter once described it in answer to a blog post that I wrote:

This is a playground. Web publishing is the society that contains the playground.

I am able to play – seriously. 

There are bloggers for whom I am most thankful:
Danny, for constant support, and suggesting I start blogging in the first place.
Jean, for always being there from the very beginning.
Frank, for inviting me to Facebook and Twitter, linking to me from time to time, and encouraging me whenever I thought I would give it all up.
Ronni, for early blogging encouragement, and, especially for helping me accept and enjoy aging.

Blogging, is a very real way for me to express myself whether it is emotional, political or just for fun. Even though I do not have a great readership base, nor do many people comment, or link to my posts, I find this venue extremely conducive to exploring my inner life. Indeed, I am able to see myself more clearly, and have been able to achieve self-alteration in a deep and meaningful way. As an early childhood educator, I know that children learn through play. They learn about life, how stuff works, interactions with others, and how they fit into their society. I guess that I, too, am still learning seriously through play.

One of the games bloggers like (or dislike) to play, is a Meme. And when Paynter actually agrees to take one on, and then throws out an open invitation … I am bound to participate. 

So. Here goes:

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random arbitrary things about yourself. 
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them. 
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog. 
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Here are 6 arbitrary things about me:
  1. When people poke me on Facebook, I poke right back.
  2. I have stopped collecting Buddhas.
  3. I am still an atheist.
  4. I am described as a "Berk" by life partner because, as he says I am "in all ways Berkish."
  5. I became a feminist when I was 43.
  6. I believe that if you were brought up by an adult, you need therapy.
I would not dare to tag anyone with this! But I will let Frank, the arbitrary tagger know that this entry is up.

Frank – I am thankful for you.

P.S. To all the bloggers, Facebook friends, and twitter followers and followed, out there, who I have not thanked specifically, please know that I am thankful for each and every one of you.
4 Comments
November 25, 2008

My Scrabble Buddy

Today I give thanks for Shimon. He is my nephew, just two years younger than me always and forever since we were born, son of my half-brother on my father's side. But really he is so much more than that. He is like the brother I never had. When we were children we played with dinky cars and maneuvered them into each others' parking spaces. When we were young, he taught me that by pushing my lips together and flapping them as I blow through them with all my might, I could turn a raspberry sound into the rumble of a truck.

Shimon is one of the first people I communicate with every morning for years. He is the person I laugh with – until my sides split – until my stomach aches – until tears roll down my cheeks. All he has to do is lift his baby finger while drinking a glass of anything, especially at a dinner party with all kinds of guests present – and I start to laugh uncontrollably, embarrassingly, shamelessly. Indeed, I sometimes have to leave the table to gain control of my behavior. He understands me perfectly well, and has the intelligence and emotional insight that matches mine word for word – feeling for feeling. On the few occasions I get to stay over at his house, we both get up very early in the morning and whisper and laugh quietly so as not to wake anyone else up. He and I made a pact years ago that we would never have a falling out (he calls it a "ferebel") – no matter what! We have been there and done that and did not like it – no sirree – do not believe in it. And so, we tell each other our troubles, talk things out, tell each other the truth about how we feel. We know how to apologize and love one another through thick or thin, rain or snow, and, especially, Scrabble wins or Scrabble defeats!

For, you see: Shimon is my Scrabble Buddy! Every day, year after year we play our moves – he in his corner of the country, and me in mine. We are very competitive, and without guilt or shame, set out to beat one another to a proverbial pulp, over and over again. As one game ends, so we immediately start up another one. But we are terribly good sports about the battle of our wits to wits end, and rejoice in each others' winnings directly after we overcome any hideous rage or frustration we might be experiencing about the 7-letter words the other has just made. 

Our greatest delight came when The PixiePit developed SuperScrabble – indeed, we have never looked back. What could be better? A HUGE Scrabble Board with tens upon tens of letters and – get this! – QUADRUPLE-LETTER and QUADRUPLE-WORD scoring ability! A Scrabble lover's dream come true. For, in SuperScrabble, we can make an astronomically huge score, like when we hit two double-word scores with a 7-letter word, or once (or twice?) Shimon has landed his 7-letter words on two triple-worders. Me oh my! Those were humdingers of a score, let me tell you!

And so, today – day four of my count-down to Thanksgiving, I am thankful for Shimon. I dedicate this post to him most especially because he has made it safe for me to love him and be loved in return – no conditions – except that we are who we are, bound forever by our affiliation with my Grandfather and his Great-Grandfather Moise – although, I doubt that we would ever let the other win the next Scrabble game … ever.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Morning person reflections
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November 24, 2008

Four more days … and counting …

This morning I woke up thinking about what I am grateful for. This count down thing is becoming difficult. It is hard for me to isolate one specific thing. It seems that I am thankful for so much. By now, those who read my blog know that I am crazy about Ada Mae. So, I will not bore you with how thankful I am for her presence in my life. And, I am very, very grateful for my son and life partner. I mean, surely that goes without saying? I will ruminate on that and get back to you with a post about them, perhaps. In the meantime, here is what I wrote about them both in the Preface of my new book: "Thank you to my son, Gilad Barkan, for having the courage to tell me how he feels, and to my husband, Tom Jacobson, for having the courage to hear how I feel. I am truly blessed to have these two wonderful men in my life." (Page xiii)

I must say that on this cold and wintry Monday morning, four days before Thanksgiving, and my son coming to visit, I feel particularly grateful for my work. Yes indeed. I am happy to be driving to work today. I give thanks for my job. It is not only that I love teaching students or have to write books and articles, do research, or be paid for thinking great thoughts! Specifically, and most especially, I am thankful for the community of Rider University. Because, from day one, I was welcomed and supported by every single person I have had to interact with – from colleagues in the faculty, to students, the administration, and support staff. No exceptions. A gentler, more collegial, supportive environment I have yet to find! How lucky am I? 

Those of you who have been reading or following my life's journey these past four years will know how difficult it was for me to leave Buffalo, my friends, and, especially, my work. The transition to Philadelphia was, indeed, excruciating on so many levels. At my age, and this time in my life, work life is terribly important. And so, finding my niche has been crucial for my happiness and fulfillment. Indeed, every project or assignment that I have undertaken has been not only encouraged, but supported and applauded. This semester my colleagues have even humored me in agreeing to participate in Kris Kringle, a holiday ritual, which I enjoyed participating in so much, when I was Director of the Campus Child Care Center in Buffalo. What more could a person ask for?

So, today's count down I am thankful for my work-place, and everyone there. If I name names, the list would be endless, so I am grateful for the entire Rider community – for giving me the opportunity and support to do the work I love to do.
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