Exercising my writes

by tamarjacobson

I should be …

grading papers

cleaning cat litter

walking

doing yoga

but all I want to do … is write …

about …

… Autumn's wild winds blowing leaves, swirling them up in the air and back down again in piles and rusted colored configurations.

… Ada at the top of the stairs meowing with a loud yowl beckoning me back up to play with her toy mouse – and me meowing back echoing her exact tone, calling her back down to where I am changing the water in her bowls or preparing her food. 

… Dawning light creeping over the christmas cactus on my window sill, whose many white buds are full and bursting to explode open at any moment while I am not looking.

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… The necklace sweet Cathie gave me last weekend, which she had made by hand, using beads of olive green-colored howlite, and tiny delicate yellow jade, because before traveling to Philadelphia from Washington, she had read my blog and knew I favor those colors. Dangling in the middle of the precious autumn-colored beads, she had threaded a little Guanyin charm – a Buddha – Goddess of Mercy, whom Cathie told me, "listens to the cries  of the world." Her thoughtfulness could not have come at a more appropriate and poignant time for me. Just on a day when I was feeling weighed down with regret about past mistakes, and overwhelmed with guilt about my worth as a mother. Cathie smiled gently as she handed me my gift she had so tenderly created, telling me that I was like the Guanyin – "listening to the cries of the world." I thought I might break out in deep sobs but, instead, held back the tears and smiled thankfully – stoically. And yet … I have worn the necklace every day since, and from time to time holding the little Buddha, stroking her and healing from the feelings of failure and worthlessness as I do so.

I have a dear friend back in Buffalo who believes that our cries sent out to the Universe, are answered if only we allow ourselves to acknowledge the responses when they arrive.

I have been thinking … I might have to add Cathie and her necklace to my list of Angels …