Living the rewrite: Part I

by tamarjacobson

I recognize that I don't actually rewrite my emotional script as much as I live it through feelings that arise in the context of interactions with others. Writing about it, though, helps to pick apart the illusions that I developed as a child. It's about making connections between past feelings and present realities. Part of the rewrite is that it is becoming less painful, and rather more intriguing to make those connections. In other words, I get to see how my mind works! A little like the unraveling of a mystery. For we are mysterious and complex beings, us humans. I imagine that all those millions of neurons and synapses in our brains must make for complexity. And that is the other exciting part about living the rewrite. I am discovering that I am complex and mysterious. For, mostly I thought of myself as either good or bad, and did not allow for the many varieties of feelings and human characteristics I have – just like any other human being. Indeed, in my relationships I have not had a problem with recognizing and accepting others as being complex and mysterious. I just held that two dimensional standard for myself. Much as a child would. 

So, I think one of the important discoveries for me has been accepting that I am multidimensional, with complex emotions – just like everyone else. And, in fact, that is a relief – a release for me. For, bit by bit, I am letting go of the fear of dreadful punishments to befall me for what I consider as "being bad." For example, loyalty has always been a big issue for me. Growing up, I learned it as something simple – I was either loyal – that is, adhering to one opinion and a type of "party line" – or I wasn't. Even independent thought, in and of itself, was seen as disloyal. In my present reality I know that critical thinking and independent thought is essential for me in making choices. Indeed, the fact that I even have a choice is something I discovered only in my forties, and knowing that has saved my emotional life. I am coming to realize that there is nothing inherently wrong with me because I think differently from the people I love and care about. Just the reverse, because loving someone means understanding their flaws as well. We don't throw people away just because they are not like us. We work to understand and accept their differences. For, we are all not alike!